Month: May 2015

No Heartbeat

no heartbeat 5.29.15

As I lay in excitement starring at the monitor, I take in a deep breath and slowly begin to release it. As the cold jelly substance continues to get mush around by the wand on my belly, I continue to stare at the monitor full of emotion at the thought of seeing my little baby. But with the hast of the doctor excusing herself from the room and quickly returning with 2 other women observing the monitor, the doctor looks at me and says “I’m sorry.” I sit very dumb-founded about what she could be so sorry about and then another doctor speaks, there’s no heartbeat. I look at them with confusion thinking to myself do you want me to get up and walk around?… do I need to drink something and we look again??… This is my very first ever OB appointment so with no expectations I’m totally clueless as to what any of this means. My hubs and mother come over to me and embrace me as the doctor continues to explain that I would need to make a decision today as to how I wanted to move forward with my miscarriage. “Miscarriage?!” huh what do you mean… I slowly entered into what felt like the twilight zone. As we left the doctor’s office the worst feeling came over me, how can I possibly break this news to everyone? We were so full of excitement in discovering that we had a “honeymoon baby” on the way, that we prematurely had shared the news with our family and some friends. I was in a dark place for quite awhile. I constantly asked God why me? And I began to talk to him in a way I hadn’t ever done before, saying stuff like, is this why you always put guys in my life that already had kids?, why make me a woman if I can’t conceive? Is this payback from when I strayed away from you during college? Just an ongoing demand for answers, I battled with this for some time until one day He just snapped me back. And I’m oh-so glad He did, it was as if He said alright that’s enough. Six months after having my D&E surgery, we tested positive again! One night while visiting a local church for bible study, I was approached by a Prophet that said “congratulations on your baby, last one a girl but this time you will give birth to a boy.” We waited a very long time before publicly announcing our pregnancy the second time around. I believe I remained in fear up until about 7 months along and then I began to embrace and enjoy the pregnancy.

I had no plans on writing this post any time soon, but you know how God reveals things to us and we just know. Well that’s certainly what happened here. I’m pretty sure in finding out about my last pregnancy I updated all websites and profiles to reflect the new baby’s name and birthdate, but I received two emails from Gerber this past week in regards to Jayse. The first one about how much Jayse has grown and what levels of activity & learning she should be on. The second one a Happy 4th Birthday Jayse. God is so amazing, I took it as He wanted me to know that my baby girl Jayse is blessed and in His care. That they just celebrated her fourth birthday and it was a wonderful time. I have often wondered who she looks like, how long her hair is, and if she’ll ever know who I am.

So today I want to celebrate her and let her know I haven’t forgotten. And wish her a Happy 4th Birthday, Love Always, Mommy!

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“Give me Sexy”

This weekend I had the pleasure of meeting up with the girlfriends for our first photo shoot. We were beyond excited, it had been sometime since we had all gotten a chance to get together. We arrived at the studio of Tanisha Walker, In God’s Image Photography/Makeup Artistry with our outfits in hand and hair slayed. Some of the girlfriends started out with the makeup application of our shoot while the rest of us watched, taking mental notes, lol and chatting. It was my turn to get in the chair!!! YAY!!!!!!! I love make up, I say “Go all the way!” Tanisha (makeup artist and photographer) says “all the way?” and I repeat “Yup, ALL THE WAY!” The end result was gooooooooorgeousss!! And she went all the way. Once we were all done we stood before the camera. We had so much fun laughing, joking and just flat out loving on each other and then Tanisha shouts out “give me sexy!!!” and it was as if someone was dancing real hard at a party that was playing your song and hit the D.J’s table, you know that sound, at least that’s what it felt like for me. Sexy?….. what is sexy? According to Webster’s Dictionary, sexy is defined as generally attractive or interesting: appealing, stimulating. Synonyms being bodacious, desirable, hot. Urban dictionary had terms like, sultry, lustful and tantalizing. I found at that moment I had no clue “how to be/give sexy”…..I don’t know if it’s the “motherhood’ that drenches me like the frosting on a hot Cinnabon, or the retired pumps that have been traded for non slip and quick shoes to keep up with my small children. I’ve always thought I was attractive, pretty,(looking back at what Webster’s said……) appealing, desirable even. Regardless of what I have on or don’t have on I feel “me”, beautiful, confident, no need for any validation from another, in fact at times it makes me feel uncomfortable than gratified. I have heard the term “sexy” in a description of me by another before, but I don’t know that I’ve ever thought of myself as “sexy”…at least not what Urban dictionary had to say about it and at least not for a very loooong time. When I tried to “give that sexy”….well I looked mad, lol. So I find myself wondering and asking myself, “What is sexy?” as if it were an object I could dash out to buy. Surely being a mother couldn’t have swiped away my sexiness…..or did it? (ok, I can’t help but say “Swiper No Swiping, Swiper No Swiping, lol) When I sat down and began to really think of “sexy” or “sexiness” I think of it as a state of my mind, and if I had to label it, I guess I could say “sexy”.

 

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Living Single

We all remember the hit sitcom Living Single, from the 90’s, which followed the story of 4 girlfriends. (Common theme lol) Remember Khadijah the CEO and founder of Flava Magazine, Maxine Shaw, Attorney at Law, Regine the buyer for a boutique destined to find her millionaire, and we can’t forget cousin Sinclaire, receptionist turned actor. This was (and still is) one of my favorite shows from back in the day. I have recently been watching reruns of the show and although there was some comic relief in the show, I’m grasping a different concept from the lives of these women. (Here I go being deep again lol)

When this show originally aired I was a child or teenager and never really paid any attention to the significance of the lives these characters portrayed. Here we have 4 single, successful, professional 20-something year old women. Did you catch that? Yes all 4 characters were in their late 20s and making major moves! This made me reflect over my life and the things that I may or may not have accomplished while “living single”. I wish that I would have taken advantage of my singlehood and truly lived it up before becoming a “Mrs”. Now don’t get me wrong I love my husband and our life as a family, but I also see missed opportunities that I should have done before the commitment and responsibilities of wife and mother came along. In my 20’s, I was soooooooooooooooo focused on running behind a man and wishing, hoping, praying that he would make me his wife and we would ride off on our white horse and live happily ever after. Umph! If I could go back in time and talk to the Katesha back then I would definitely knock some sense into her!

My Pastor often tells the singles in our church that these are “the best years of your life”. This is the season you should take to really “do you” and enjoy your freedom, especially if you do not have any children. Let me give you an example. My sister is 27 years old, no babies, never been married, no boyfriend at this time. Sure she desires to get married and to have kids one day, but right now she’s more focused on bettering herself and dedicating her life to Kingdom business. She has her undergraduate degree, working on a graduate certificate program and recently purchased a hot and sassy Mercedes CLK 350. (Not tooting her horn, but TOOT TOOT!!!) I will not put all her business out there yet, as she’ll share her testimony as a guest blogger at a later date, but I just wanted to share a small piece of her single life. Not that I have anything to do with it (lol) but I admire and am so proud of the woman that she has become. We are a lot alike, yet different at the same time. My goals and aspirations were all in the wrong areas at that age and I thank God that she has gone in the opposite direction, not to make the same mistakes as her big sister. She has already and will have accomplished so much by the time the Lord blesses her to put “Mrs.” in front of her name.

I guess that is what stands out most to me about my sister and what I want to encourage each single lady reading this post with today. Optimize your time now before moving into the next season of life. Stop focusing on where you believe that you should be at your current age (like me, I had a timeline of when I would get married, have a baby and where I would be in my career…smh) and start appreciating the place that God has you at right now. Don’t worry about what the next sister is doing, or when your time will come. I’m not saying that you can’t do this type of stuff after marriage and children; you can, just with different limitations. Your time is now! Have you been considering going back to school? DO IT! Want to travel? BOOK THAT TRIP! Picture yourself in that new fancy whip? BUY IT HONEY!!

Do not fret or have any anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition (definite requests), with thanksgiving, continue to make your wants known to God. ~ Philippians 4:6 AMP

Did you read that? If you truly desire something, talk to God about it and if it is in His will for your life…guess what…you will have it. You all just don’t know how I wish I could turn back the hands of time and some of the things I would change so that I would be a better me today. I don’t want you to have that same regret.  Enjoy your singleness, it’s only temporary and God has a reason why He has not allowed you to be found by your ‘Adam’ yet. Focus on Jesus first, strengthen your relationship with Him and thru Him be the best you that you can be during this season. So stopping putting things off and go for them NOW!! The possibilities are endless girlfriends!!!

Now to Him Who, by (in consequence of) the [action of His] power that is at work within us, is able to [carry out His purpose and] do superabundantly, far over and above all that we [dare] ask or think [infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, hopes, or dreams] ~ Ephesians 3:20 AMP

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How it all started…The Journey Leading up to 12/6/2014

Catch up here…After making that commitment to each other and to God, we started on our journey. Everything from continuing to learn each other, meeting family/important people to us, to figuring out religiously what we needed to do to better us in Christ. We took on the summer visiting each other and family. I met a few of his siblings at his brother’s wedding in New York, as well as a lot of other family members from his father’s side. It was a good occasion. It was nice to meet family with him because for many, this was his first time meeting them as well.

Because I’m very close with my family and family is important to me, we planned during one of his visits to NC that we would spend a day with my family. He ended up meeting my mother, sister, brother, and niece. Prior to coming, my mom asked what was some of his favorite foods or what he wanted to eat. Let’s just say he got everything he asked for lol. we all talked and laughed. They had the chance to interact with him and vice versa. A very good visit I must say….a single mom can be a hand full to say the least lol. After that visit, we planned a weekend trip to Maryland (since it was half way for both) to meet my other half…dad and step-mom.  After I introduced everyone and chatted for a bit, they started talking sports…my time to leave lol!! I eventually left them downstairs and hung out with the girls (mom, sisters, and nieces). After some talking and laughing, I went back downstairs to see what was going on and they were all secretive lol. Because I’m into knowing everything lol, they wouldn’t say anything looking all suspect lol; but I guess that’s a good thing. Meaning they were “bonding” so I was happy. We know no one meets pops unless we serious. Not saying I wasn’t serious with anyone else, they just didn’t all make that trip except one other lol. But I digress lol. Nevertheless, that visit went well also.

So I’ve heard plenty about his mom, sister and brother (I’ve met 2 out of 3 before) seeing as my best friend married into their family. I heard all the funny family stories, some embarrassing moments, and about everyone’s personalities. So in talks about meeting family and how we were going to spend holidays, we said that we’d do Thanksgiving with his side and Christmas with my side. This particular year, Thanksgiving was in Delaware. That means all of the major people in his family was going to be there minus his brother. So I was meeting mom for the first time, sister (we met before but I guess it’s different since I wasn’t dating her brother before lol), and grandmother. It was an interesting yet good holiday. Everyone was nice; we all laughed, watched movies, ate and ate some more lol. There weren’t any catastrophes or fallouts…just a good time all around. All of the uncle/nephews were all boo’ed up lol. I thought that was cute seeing all of us chillin’ in the basement like we were “grown” hahaha!!!!

Since Robert met my immediate family before, Christmas was a breeze. It was just us, the immediate fam and two of my aunts. Robert was spoiled because my mom cooked everything that he asked for lol and put me to the side! But it was nice to see him interact with everyone and jump into the “uncle” roll with my niece in putting together her toys.

Nevertheless, the adventure of meeting each other’s family was good. When you’re involved to the point when you meet the important people in each other’s life, how would you like to be introduced…a more personal setting? Big family gathering or social event? Continue reading

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Say Something

Don’t be afraid to talk because of fear- fear of how it may make the other person feel or fear of thinking you may upset them.

December 2014 was a very emotional time for me. I mean it had its perks like my birthday, one of my GF’s (Erin) birthday, my baby boy’s birthday, and well most importantly Jesus’ birthday! But with all the celebration came a devastating loss. Our dear girlfriend Erin husband passed. As a wife, it was very difficult to think about how my husband is still here but my best friend’s isn’t. I spent many days crying and thanking God that I still had him. Those, oh-so human questions constantly flowed my mind… like why Erin, why now. As the friend, whose husband was still alive, I found it hard to offer encouraging words… like what do I say? I couldn’t use the cliché sayings like, I know what you’re going through (I mean granted yes I’ve experienced the loss of a love one but certainly not at this capacity). All I knew to do was to call, text, and/or message her (through google hangout) to see how things were going, was she alone, was there anything I could do, etc. I just felt so helpless to her being that she was 10 hours away. I will say this experience certainly brought all the GIRLFRIENDS closer as we united daily with others in prayer for peace and comfort over Erin. So fast-forwarding after all services were completed and Erin returned to North Carolina… now what? How do we move forward with life? Do we just avoid the subject of husbands/spouses? Do I talk about things related to my husband? At what point, do I ask or encourage her to love again? Just a lot of questions that while some seem logically appropriate, others may not. And now as time has passed and Erin is becoming more open and vocal, even here sharing with you on this blog about her journey, we’ve been able to slowly tap into the answers to some of these questions and find out how she’s truly coping with her grief.

Grief shouldn’t be ignored because it could be portrayed that you think that they’re fine but the only way to know is to talk-SAY SOMETHING. You must continuously pray and be there for your friend to let them know they’re not forgotten. With death people are constantly around from the day it happens until the day of the burial. They may come by the following day and then call the next day after that, but as each day passes the more distant people become as if they’re done grieving. You never know how someone is really doing or grieving until you take the time to ask the necessary questions, or spend that real quality time involving conversation about: How they’ve been feeling? What they’ve been doing? And just getting a good sense or feeling about them and knowing they are really okay.

Everyone grieves differently but no one should go through it alone. Sometimes putting on the brave face is not what they need from you. You showing your true feelings can actually help both you and them get through the tough time together.

In all things, remember the promises of God…

Comfort:

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.     ~Matthew 5:4

Strength:

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. ~Isaiah 41:10

Care:

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.  Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. ~ 1 Peter 5:6-7

Have a wonderfully blessed Memorial weekend ladies!

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This Is My Confession…

No I’m not writing about Usher’s hit song from his 2004 album, Confessions (although I started singing it too LOL). Today I want to talk about a personal confession that was one of the hardest things I had to do some 10+ years ago.

Recently I was watching an episode of Preachers of Detroit and one to the cast members reflected on when she had to publicly confess a sin to her parents and church family. Hearing her testimony reminded me of a similar time in my life and how I was crushed to have to reveal such a thing to the one person that I never wanted to let down, my Mama. In this particular episode this young lady spoke to the teens in their church about how she got caught up in a relationship that she was not mature enough to handle, which led her to fall into sexual sin. When I heard this, it really hit a nerve.  I was like whoa, this was totally me! It brought back memories of the day I decided to let my mother know that I was no longer a virgin…

I remember the day like it was yesterday. It was a Saturday afternoon, I had just been contacted by my then “on again/off again” boyfriend to meet him at our “normal spot”. At that particular point in my life I was tired of the back and forth and was ready to make a change in my life. I was tired of just being good enough to lay up with and not being dated, or courted whole-heartedly. Although I was tired of the run around, he was my first real boyfriend and essentially my “first”, so I wasn’t ready to let go. I decided to get some advice from my mom on how to handle the situation and step away. I took a deep breath, went in her room and let it all out. Boom….the face of disappointment. There is nothing worse than having your mom look at you with hurt and disappointment. She shared her thoughts and how she wanted more for me, but that she was not upset and we would move forward from there. Even though my mom told me that she wasn’t upset, I could see the hurt all over her. She went outside and sat on the porch for a while, I guess to gather her thoughts and talk with the Lord in order to make peace with the situation. She didn’t want me to fall into the same cycle in which she had with my father (another post for another day).

This may not seem like something major to you, but it was super major to me. My mom always taught my sister and me to keep ourselves until we were married. Even though I felt like I was “so in love” and caught up in the moment, I still went against my mother’s wishes and the mandate from my Heavenly Father. I felt somewhat of a relief that she now knew and that I didn’t have to walk around with that burden on my back anymore. I was ashamed that I was no longer her “little girl” and she now knew that I was no longer pure. I was disappointed in that I didn’t value myself more and allowed a man to prove his love thru my body. I may have won the victory that day by saying no to him (that day), but the battle was far from over. I think that was really where my mom’s mind went, although she hated to admit it, she knew that would not be my last time facing this demon (the sin and the man, just being honest). I wish I could tell you girlfriends that it all ended there, that I let go of the relationship and walked the straight and narrow until I was blessed to meet my husband. No that’s not my testimony, or my story. I can only hope that my experiences can be used to help another young lady face her fears, starting with this one confession…

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Mini-cation Time!!!

Happy Tuesday!!!! I’m super excited to share my vacation with you. I think if you’re looking to go somewhere for vacation, this spot in Cancun is thee place.

First, a little background. This trip was all about my sister. Her and her husband set to do a destination for their wedding vows (as they were legally married last August). So ultimately they chose Finest Playa Mujeres by Excellence Group. I wanted to go and contemplated for a while, asked a few people and no one could go. So I left it alone. Then Easter came around and we were all talking about it, and I made it my mission to go lol. Now, I’m trying to add up the days to see if I could even get a passport!!!! (procrastination at its best right here lol) Okkkk I can make it work…”ma, have you seen my birth certificate???? No…I gave it to you….ummm but I gave it back to you and you put it in a folder…….” So needless to say that birth certificate is somewhere at the house and no one can find it. Now, I have to get another one. Getting one in the mail is going to take like two weeks then I have to go in-person to apply for my passport that’s going to take 2-3 weeks to get back. So that ain’t gonna work. Because I don’t live where I was born I couldn’t go get it same day…so I had to include the one other person that could walk in and get it…my daddy lol! I wanted this all to be a surprise, but not when you can’t find an important document you need. Needless to say he got it and overnight it to me. About 10 days later…I had passport in hand, trip was paid for, and I’m on my way to MEXICO!!!!! but now she knows….So I didn’t really consider the fact that she’d be getting a guest confirmation list from the travel agent…ooops 🙂 She was still surprised and excited to find out.

Now let’s talk business lol…this resort is super-duper nice. The standard has been set for all-inclusive 5-star resorts now…nothing less than this! They roll out the red carpet for you…nice cold towel when you step out of the car (the heat is cray cray) to refresh yourself, concierge immediately take your bags, they give you a nice beverage and escort you to the lounge to wait to be checked in. I will say this, my room wasn’t in general population lol…adults only baby!!!!!!! So…we had our own check-in area, personal concierge, private restaurant, exclusive beach area, pool, and bar….BOOM I don’t wanna go home!! A place like this will definitely spoil you. The rooms super modern, stocked mini bar that you can actually use without being charged extra (I was nervous at first lol), 24-hour room service…you name it and they had it. The place was just lovely. I believe there are a total of 9 restaurants,17 bars, smoothie cafe, ice cream parlor, and of course a spa. They had dedicated kids space and like a childcare type of service, various free water sports like canoeing. The lists goes on and on.

Everything was planned out nice from the time we got there until the wedding…we all had free days after the ceremony. From a white cocktail gathering Friday night, to breakfast together Saturday morning and water sports, to dinner at Hibachi Sunday night, it was a great time.

To say the least, I enjoyed myself, met some great people, and it was much needed; but I can’t say that I went the entire trip without being sad or somewhat emotional. As much as I was happy, I still felt the loneliness from my own situation.

But any who, tell me ladies, what’s your most memorable and/or favorite destination for vacation?????

Until next time…

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