no heartbeat 5.29.15

As I lay in excitement starring at the monitor, I take in a deep breath and slowly begin to release it. As the cold jelly substance continues to get mush around by the wand on my belly, I continue to stare at the monitor full of emotion at the thought of seeing my little baby. But with the hast of the doctor excusing herself from the room and quickly returning with 2 other women observing the monitor, the doctor looks at me and says “I’m sorry.” I sit very dumb-founded about what she could be so sorry about and then another doctor speaks, there’s no heartbeat. I look at them with confusion thinking to myself do you want me to get up and walk around?… do I need to drink something and we look again??… This is my very first ever OB appointment so with no expectations I’m totally clueless as to what any of this means. My hubs and mother come over to me and embrace me as the doctor continues to explain that I would need to make a decision today as to how I wanted to move forward with my miscarriage. “Miscarriage?!” huh what do you mean… I slowly entered into what felt like the twilight zone. As we left the doctor’s office the worst feeling came over me, how can I possibly break this news to everyone? We were so full of excitement in discovering that we had a “honeymoon baby” on the way, that we prematurely had shared the news with our family and some friends. I was in a dark place for quite awhile. I constantly asked God why me? And I began to talk to him in a way I hadn’t ever done before, saying stuff like, is this why you always put guys in my life that already had kids?, why make me a woman if I can’t conceive? Is this payback from when I strayed away from you during college? Just an ongoing demand for answers, I battled with this for some time until one day He just snapped me back. And I’m oh-so glad He did, it was as if He said alright that’s enough. Six months after having my D&E surgery, we tested positive again! One night while visiting a local church for bible study, I was approached by a Prophet that said “congratulations on your baby, last one a girl but this time you will give birth to a boy.” We waited a very long time before publicly announcing our pregnancy the second time around. I believe I remained in fear up until about 7 months along and then I began to embrace and enjoy the pregnancy.

I had no plans on writing this post any time soon, but you know how God reveals things to us and we just know. Well that’s certainly what happened here. I’m pretty sure in finding out about my last pregnancy I updated all websites and profiles to reflect the new baby’s name and birthdate, but I received two emails from Gerber this past week in regards to Jayse. The first one about how much Jayse has grown and what levels of activity & learning she should be on. The second one a Happy 4th Birthday Jayse. God is so amazing, I took it as He wanted me to know that my baby girl Jayse is blessed and in His care. That they just celebrated her fourth birthday and it was a wonderful time. I have often wondered who she looks like, how long her hair is, and if she’ll ever know who I am.

So today I want to celebrate her and let her know I haven’t forgotten. And wish her a Happy 4th Birthday, Love Always, Mommy!

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