Month: April 2016

Fulfilling My Purpose

Why was I created? Why am I still here? What in my past and current life are pushing me towards fulfilling my God-given, Kingdom purpose? Deep questions to open up a blog post huh? Maybe, but maybe not? These questions come from a series my Pastor has been teaching from during our mid-week Bible study. Last week he ended it by telling us to take the (then) next 9 days left in April to reflect over our past and see what experiences, circumstances, situations, etc have happened to push us towards fulfilling our purpose. Now I’m a deep thinker and was excited to complete this assignment in my personal time and thought I’d share some of it with you in hopes that you will take the time to do the same.

PurposeMy immediate first thought took me back to a car accident I was involved in when I was 5 years old. From the stories I’ve been told I should not have made it out alive. I’ll spare you all of the details, but after being thrown out of the back windshield of the car and a 1 week hospital stay, I’m still alive to tell you about! There was purpose to be fulfilled…

I took a look back to my school days and how even though I had a plenty of friends, was a part of the “in” crowd, yet never really fit in. I was a part of the group, but sometimes felt I wasn’t accepted because I was different, I stood apart from the norm. I’m not saying that I was better than anyone, the ordinary just wouldn’t do for me, why because purpose had to be fulfilled….

Fast forward to college, my first love, or so I thought….6 years of back and forth with a man that I prayed would one day become my husband. I compromised my beliefs, my morals, and my virginity in exchange for years of heartbreak, brokenness and uncertainty. After years of wondering why me now I know…there was purpose to be fulfilled….

I’ve had 3 pregnancies in my lifetime…the first ended in abortion, a result of the above relationship….the second, a premature birth of my now precious Sweet Pea…and the third a miscarriage at the end of last year. Again why me, why did I make that first TERRIBLE decision which now haunts me almost 13 years later…why did my baby have to be born 6 weeks early and why did I have to go through leaving her in the hospital for 2 weeks….and now I still question the Lord why did my baby have to die….again there was purpose to be fulfilled…

Now I don’t have time to give you my full life story and neither do you have all week to sit through it, maybe a book will come from it later, we shall see lol. But these moments I have shared with you and events in between them all prepared me for a greater good….my destiny, my Kingdom purpose. I’ve shared that my purpose is with working with women. So how will I ever be able to minister to, pray for, encourage and uplift another sister if I had never experienced anything in my life.

I can tell a sister that thinks that she’s near the end and can’t take another step further, the enemy thought he was going to take me out at 5 years old, but here I stand before you at 33 years of age to tell you that this is not the end of your story either. Feel as though you don’t fit in, that’s okay, I don’t either, but hey that makes us more versatile to dwell among different crowds and still make an impact. Suffered/ing from a broken heart? Been there done that, wrote the book (well not yet lol). I’ve had some low, I mean low moments, got tangled up with the wrong men time after time again seeking for love, thought I’d never find love again…well I did first with my Savior who then, within His timing, sent me true love, my husband of almost 5 years! Feel regret from the abortion, wish you could reverse the decision, yeah me too. I was a coward in making that decision, instead of living out the consequences of my actions and having the baby and now I have to suffer with a lifetime of regret. I can’t change the past but now I can take that, flip it and encourage another sister or young lady to not make the same mistake. I can use the experiences of premature birth and miscarriage to support another mother even through my own pain. Yes it hurts, its hard watching others happy in their pregnancies when you hold your empty womb desiring the same, but hey you’re still here, alive and well and that means that the Lord can bless you to conceive, successfully carry and deliver when He sees fit. It is SO much deeper than just your experience. I’m a firm believer that there is a reason for everything and its up to you to seek His face to find out what exactly that is.

My testimony is proof that hey I made it. I’m just one example of a broken vessel that can be used as God’s example that through it all, I’m still standing, I’m still here and it’s all because of HIM! As I type this today, with tears in my eyes, all I can say is Thank you Father. Thank you for assigning this mission, this destiny, this purpose to me. My story hasn’t always been easy and I’ve had my fair share of struggle and pain, but I know it was simply because there was purpose to be fulfilled and it doesn’t stop here.

Peace & Blessings,

sig KT

 

Made A Way

Good morning girlfriends!

Today’s mid-week devotional is simply the lyrics to the song “Made A Way” by Travis Greene. This song has been placed in my heart this past week and I just hope that it encourages you. That God made a way for all things to come together in our lives. It was nothing we did beyond believe in His Word and He did just as He’s always promised…. He (God) Made A Way!

Made a way
Don’t know how but you did it
Made a way
Standing here not knowing how will get through this test
But holding unto faith you know that
Nothing can catch you by surprise
You got this figured out and you’re watching us now
But when it looks as if we can’t win
You wrap us in your arm and step in
And everything we need you supply
You got this in control
And now we know that

You made a way
When our backs were against the wall
And it looked as if it was over
You made a way
And we’re standing here
Only because you made a way
You made a way

Now we’re here
Looking back on where we come from
Because of you and nothing we’ve got
To deserve the love and mercy you’ve shown
But your grace was strong enough to pick us up

And you made a way
When our backs were against the wall
And it looked as if it was over
You made a way
And we’re standing here
Only because you made a way

You move mountains
You cause walls to fall
With your power
You perform miracles
There is nothing that’s impossible
And we’re standing here
Only because you made a way

Be encouraged and trust in His promises, today and every day of your life.

sig TW

How it all started…The Journey Leading up to 12/6/2014…Final Chapter

Catch up here…Through the next few months and a few sessions, I think that we were making some progress. The Friday before our original wedding date in May, we get the worst news ever…Robert has cancer…stage 4 cancer. A little background for a minute…earlier in the year, Robert started feeling funny and having stomach pains. After about a week of me pushing him to go get it checked out, he finally went. The doctors chalked it up as GERD and gave him a few prescriptions and sent him on his way. The meds made his symptoms worse and another month or so he went back. After getting an upper endoscopy done, there was still nothing. Not really having much relief and a new symptom on deck, he went back again a few weeks later. His primary ran some tests and did more blood work. That’s when we got the news. After the gut wrenching blow of news, we found ourselves in the hospital with our first issue…a blood clot. Outside of a few “love handles” Robert was in good health; now we find ourselves looking for answers.

Hospitalized for over a week, he endured more tests and scans to pinpoint the exact form of cancer even though they had a preliminary diagnosis. Hearing cancer, one of our top concerns was planning our future and what that meant. We decided to preserve our family before radiation and chemotherapy was started. Our decisions from here on out were the hardest one’s ever made. With too many details to share, we started radiation, gone through a second surgical biopsy procedure (this one from his kidney), and a round of chemo all by August. With a true diagnosis on deck, we took another blow; a rare form of kidney cancer that had little to no research and knowing life expectancy averaged 15-18 weeks from diagnosis.

Through it all, we still worked on our communication and decided to get married. The day was perfect! A nice cool Connecticut Saturday morning, nothing but close family and friends, we had our moment. Outside under the trees near the lake, I couldn’t have asked for anything better. It was an off week for chemo treatments and a good day for Robert so it was a great day for me. I was happy that in that moment on September 20th he was happy again and not worried or scared.

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Reality struck us and a week later he was once again hospitalized. Not knowing it at the time, this would be his last stay. He was admitted because of breathing issues stemming from fluid on his lungs. We took each day in strides in hopes of going home with some few extra pieces of equipment. We celebrated two months’ worth of anniversaries and spent Thanksgiving there. After two trips to ICU and intubation, he said he was ready. He was no longer scared, had no more worries, and was secure in his faith. He said his earthly goodbyes and on December 6, 2014 transitioned. A day to remember; only one year earlier I said yes to forever!

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Another Round Please

So its been another CRAZY week for me! I have what feels like 15 different projects going on at work, I’m beyond behind on ministry event planning and ideas, my baby’s birthday is this weekend –  have to make sure I have everything for her school birthday party, and then on top of all of that insert thoughts of doubt and slight anxiety about when things will finally come together so that my husband and I can finally say that we are home owners. It feels so close yet so far away. I’m ready to be in my own space again, but then concerned about leaving my mother and wanting to make sure that she will be okay once we leave. UGHHHHHHHHHH!! I need a way of escape. I need to remove myself from reality and steal away if only for a few minutes, something that will ease my thoughts and mellow me out….I NEED A DRINK!!!

drinks Yes that is the answer, I need to find me a quiet corner booth at a nice tucked away restaurant where no one can find me. I don’t want to think about any to do lists, what has yet to be done, don’t want to feel any guilt or remorse, I just want to enjoy that moment and that drink!!! (Record sccccccccccccrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaatttttttttcccccccccchhhhhhhhhh)

Yeah right!!!!!!!!!!!! Who am I kidding? Sounds good right, I mean after all I can repent afterwards right? Maybe but my conviction is SO much stronger than that and won’t allow me to even pick up the menu to order a drink. Recently I’ve had this fight in my flesh more than I’d like to admit. That was my way of escape in the past, it was easy to get lost in my thoughts and look up and I’d gone thru a whole bottle of wine. Not good, and I don’t want to go back there. So in that moment of weakness after gathering my thoughts, I went back and read an old post of mine that helped snatch me back to reality, I Need A Drink, and I wanted to share it with you today.

Maybe you have this same struggle or something similar that is piercing your flesh. If so I ask that you read that old post with an open mind and allow it to minister to you. Some may get upset or offended and if so I don’t apologize. I promised to give you my truth and give you the real in all of blog posts and that’s exactly what I am going to do. Give it to you straight, no sugar added. So here’s to another round…

Peace & Blessings,

sig KT

How it all started…The Journey Leading up to 12/6/2014

Catch up here…Such an amazing night and weekend I was sad to see him off to the airport. Our time spent with each other is important since it’s only a few days a month, but we’re making it do what it do! Can we say WEDDING PLANNING TIME!!!!! So exciting to actually be planning my own, I mean I’ve been involved with plenty from planning, decorating and setting up, to a bridesmaid. Not wanting to leave my boo out and wanting him to be involved on some things we started going over thoughts and ideas of what type of experience we wanted to have. Of course, I wanted to be different and unique and of course outside, so we ended up agreeing on our venue being the Museum of Life and Science in their butterfly garden. Can we say gorgeous! To road to May 25, 2014 was off to a great start.

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It was a great feeling in the planning process from viewing the venue and picking out our specific location to selecting our food…which was a food truck! How can you not have an outdoor wedding as unique as a museum and butterfly garden and not having unique food?!?!?!?! And to top it all off, in addition to a traditional desserts, we’re having a shaved ice truck! Yummy!!! A nice intimate setting with a touch of fun, how could we pass it up? Along the way, I found the perfect dress (or at least the look and style that I wanted but not the price tag lol). So me and one of the girlfriends were on a mission to find a similar dress and style but cheaper and came across a close match for a fraction of the cost. Now the catch was it’s coming from China! We all know how shaky some of these websites can be, so before ordering it, we prayed on that thing hard that it would arrive in a timely manner and compare to the picture that’s posted online. Prayers were answered because the dress arrived fairly quickly (maybe 4 weeks) AND it was EXACTLY the same as in the picture posted online. STOKED!!!!!!!!!!!!

With all the excitement in wedding planning, reality still exist and during that time our reality was serious communication issues. With limited face to face time, conversations were being misinterpreted and we both were frustrated with our poor communication in an otherwise healthy relationship. For me, this is a deal breaker. It got to the point where I wasn’t comfortable starting a marriage on a rocky foundation. So I did what I felt was right in my heart which was to cancel/postpone the wedding. Did some disapprove, yes. Were some supportive, yes. At that time, what mattered was that Robert and I have the best start on this journey as possible because I know that there will not always be good days and we needed to know how to navigate that if/when it arise. So we navigated our way through pre-marital and relationship counseling. Final chapter… coming soon!

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Determined

So truth be told, I was not up for writing a blog post today (hey! I’m just being honest). It’s a cold, rainy morning here in the Carolinas. And lately I’ve been in a ragged state of mind – where I’ve lost my motivation. I haven’t hungered to do the things that I so dearly love. I haven’t felt like I’m good enough to pursue my creative talents. I’ve just been in a daze watching the people of this world around me. “Wow, that’s nice! Wish I could do something like that.” Are the types of statements I’ve been saying. Just on this “WISH” factor lately, as if things are just too impossible to happen to and for me. And yes, I know this is not the talk of a believer. But we’re all human right? And my feelings and emotions are that of human nature. I know God is dealing with me because He keeps giving/sending me the Word that enlightens and reassures me of His promises. That at the very moments He sends them, I’m all amped up – only to come crashing back down. I’m writing you from a state of “Work In Progress,” because that’s truly where I am in life right now. I’m focusing on my future believer goals, career goals, wifey goals, and parenting goals. And to some, I know that may seem like a lot, but each ties into the other so it’s not as daunting of a list. I do have faith that I will reach my full potential, develop my creative talents, and reach each of my goals. I’m not giving up or giving in. The enemy may have slowed me down but not for long. I’m determined to be that which God has called me. My prayer today is that you and I never give up! We learn to fight back harder than ever. We believe that what we see is not the end result, God has promised us so much more. We honor and seek after Him daily. And that we speak life and not death.

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Girlfriends, enjoy the rest of your week and have a wonderfully blessed weekend!

sig TW

Power In Words

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Every Tuesday the owners of my company host a weekly company prayer in the office. Anyone is invited to participate and we use this time to pray for the company, employees and any other situation that may be presented to the group during that time. Last week there were a few pretty heavy prayer requests put before the group and after giving mine the VP of our company asked that I start the prayer off with my request. Normally I attend the prayers but do not vocally participate unless I’m lead by the Spirit. My first notion was to say I’d rather not, but instead quieted my own spirit and allowed His Spirit to flow. And He did just that, His sweet presence was felt all through the office and I had to contain myself and quickly remember that I was at work and not in the sanctuary fighting the urge to scream and cry like I really wanted to! lol Immediately following the prayer my VP pulled me aside and said that he wanted to give me a bit of encouragement. He said that he was led to ask me to open the prayer because he sensed something in me. He went on to say that as soon as I opened my mouth he felt the presence of the Holy Spirit and that he wanted me to remember that there is more power in my words than I think. Wow I was taken back by that and all I could say was thank you and to God be the glory!

Moral of the story today…Watch how you carry yourself and the words that you speak because you never know when you will be called upon to represent HIM! I would have never opened the prayer on my own free will and never would have thought the things that I say would have an impact. Maybe you feel the same way about yourself, doubting that anything you say matters. Guess what it does and we have to be careful what we say and how we say things about ourselves or others. As the scripture says life and death lies in the power of the tongue, so I urge you today to think before you speak. Before you allow any negativity or ill will towards yourself or others roll off of your tongue, consider if you are speaking life or death. Even in the worst of situations, you can still speak positively and life into the situation and ultimately turn your perspective about it around. If we are to be representatives of Christ through our lifestyles we need to do that in every aspect of the word. Go back to the golden rule, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all,” after all the same scripture goes on to say that you will bear consequences of your words.

So be wise, remain optimistic, speak life and watch your words…there is more power there than you think.

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it and indulge it will eat its fruit and bear the consequences of their words.- Proverbs 18:21

Peace & Blessings,

sig KT

“Dust til 8”

So I often talk about my children and the day to day adventures that occurs in our family so why not share what’s been going on lately. So I’ll start with my oldest child, she has now entered into a time where it’s no longer a cool thing to have a brother. She is desperately trying to hold onto him being a baby as I am too, but this little fella is not having it. She is unable to steal a kiss or a hug from him without him frantically wiping his face as if its straight acid. She tries to help him out (she’s a little mama) and the response that we always get is “I do it”. He seems to be as big as she is so picking him up is a just awkward for everyone. We are on week three of potty training and I would say he pretty much has it down pack. We have had a total of three accidents in which mommy was not involved LOL. We couldn’t be more excited for him and our pocket of course, no more diapers. As of now he still wears a pull-up to bed although he’s been waking up dry. Lately it’s been a struggle because he wants to wear his big boy underwear to bed too, but this mama does not feel like stripping the bed in the middle of the night. With that being said using the public bathroom has been quite an adventure I have no idea why my little guy thinks a public bathroom stall is a children’s touch and feel Museum. I bout had an anxiety attack the first time I had to take him to use a public bathroom I was screaming PUT YOUR HANDS IN YOUR POCKETS AND DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING!!!. And then I couldn’t figure out whether to sit him down to go or should I let him stand up?……like it was just too much. Any suggestion for little boys using the ladies public bathroom? As for my baby girl on this spring break she has lost a total of three teeth two of which were the Chicklets in the front so you know how she is talking right about now LOL. I am proud to say that I have not forgotten my duty as Tooth Fairy even if it’s waking up at 5 o’clock in the morning with my phone flash light hunting for a tooth that never ever seems to be under the pillow and getting back out of the room before she wakes up. They are growing up fast, I try real hard not to blink, enjoy every moment of Dust til 8, or whenever your little one(s) crash.

 

 

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