Long hallways, school bell, huge cafeteria, teachers, TAs, core classes, electives, recess, before & after care…..you guessed it…Kindergarten and I’m just NOT READY!!!
I recently just started going on magnet school tours to get a feel for the school that I want Sweet Pea to attend next year and it is a bit much. There is just SO much to consider. There are SO many different school based themes and tracks to consider and ultimately I just want what is best for my Sweet Pea. On top of all of that my emotions are on an all time high! I think its worse this time than what I described in my previous post, I Got the Blues, when I talked about my feelings with her starting preschool. This time its the real thing. When she enters that school next August, she will no longer be my baby, she will be a big girl like for real and y’all I am just NOT READY!!!
I was a soldier during the first tour, but yesterday was a little different. As the magnet coordinator and school principal walked us down the halls, showing us the ins and outs of their programs I could feel the anxiety rise and tears start to well. I had to swallow hard a few times as I watched the kids working hard in their classrooms and picturing my Sweet Pea there with them. When we went in the cafeteria I almost lost it! All I could see in my mind was Sweet Pea walking with her tray, trying to find a seat and I just wanted to scream. And to make matters worse this is when a question was posed by another parent asking if the kindergartners are escorted to their classes and to lunch and the answer was NO! **insert distressed emoji** What do you mean no? What if my baby gets lost? In my mind all I see is her clammed up crying because she doesn’t know where to go which will make me cry because I will not there to help her. (Tears welling up again)
Every night when I put Sweet Pea in bed, after she has said her prayers and I love yous and kisses have been given, she always asks if I’m going to stay with her tomorrow. During the week, my reply is always “no mommy has to go to work tomorrow” to which her response is “No mommy I want you to stay with me”. I think this is the brink of my anxiety and all of this emotion, knowing that I can’t be with her at all times and one day her desires will change and she will be on her own path in life. In my mind and in my heart she will always be my sweet, sweet 4lb 8oz baby that will always need and depend on me. And although l will always be here for her I just have to accept that its time to let her go and allow her to develop into her own person. And to think I want to have another baby and go thru this all over again LOL!
I need for y’all to pray for me, like for real. I know that I am not the only mother that has gone through this process, and I may be a little dramatic in how I’m dealing with it all, but I need my Girlfriends to back me up because I’m just NOT READY!
Peace & Blessings,