Last Night I Cried…

Happy Tuesday Ladies! Life has caught up with me once again so I thought I’d share an archived post with you today…

cried

Enjoy and I promise to have something new to share with you next post!

Peace & Blessings,

sig KT

God’s Promise

Never allow time to hold your heart hostage. ~ M. Lamont Cooper, Sr.

What is she talking about now? Read the quote again.

Never allow time to hold your heart hostage.

This simple, yet profound, statement was given by my Pastor, named above, during our Bible Study last week. He was teaching on doubting when we ask something of God. We ask and expect God to answer within our own personal time line. Then when He does not answer or give it to us by that due date, here comes Mr. Doubt. Now read the quote again.

Never allow time to hold your heart hostage.

So what happens when we take time out of the equation? We put up our request before the Lord, leave it there with Him, and then activate our faith to believe that it will happen according to HIS timing and HIS will. It sounds good, looks easy on paper, yet it is still sometimes challenging to live out in our own reality. That’s where I am today and honestly have been off and on for the past few weeks. I know what He said, I’m holding on to the prophecy that has come forth, I see the plans in front of me, yet and still there is a little bit of doubt that has moved from the back of my mind to the front and is now trying to take over. You see it happening for someone else, you’re happy for them, praise and rejoice with them, but still sit and wonder “When will it be my turn”?

Sweet Pea and I were driving through a sun shower the other day and as we were driving along I looked up and saw one of the prettiest rainbows I’ve ever seen! I showed Sweet Pea and she was SO excited and was now looking for the rainbow with every turn that we took. We’d see it one moment, and the next it would be gone. With great anticipation Sweet Pea kept her eyes glued to the sky determined to see those pretty colors once again in the sky. We played the disappearing act with the rainbow for about 5 minutes and within that time period saw it 3 different times. As Sweet Pea named all of the colors in the rainbow, I asked her if she knew what it meant. I then explained to her that a rainbow means “God Promise” and just that quick it hit me. A feeling of reassurance…God’s Promise…

Rainbow

Just because we don’t see it YET doesn’t mean that its now there. Just because we don’t feel the hand of the Lord on the situation, does not mean that He is not there working it out on our behalf. The same way that rainbow showed back up when we weren’t looking for it, is the same way God will show up in our lives. We have to hold on to our faith, we have to believe, we have to cast down thoughts and feelings of doubt, we have to speak those things that be not as though they were. If God said it, then He will do it. All we have to do is hold on to His promise, remove time out and keep time of the equation, stay out of God’s way and keep believing.

For assuredly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, ‘Be removed and be cast into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that those things he says will be done, he will have whatever he says. ~ Mark 11:23 NKJV

But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. ~James 1:6 NKJV

Jesus said to him, “If you can believe,all things are possible to him who believes.~Mark 9:23 NKJV

So Jesus said to them, “Because of your unbelief; for assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you. However, this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting.”~ Matthew 17:20-21 NKJV

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. For by it the elders obtained a good testimony.By faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that the things which are seen were not made of things which are visible. ~Hebrews 11:1-3 NKJV

Its getting ready to happen….

Peace & Blessings,

sig KT

Best Intentions

So let’s play alil catch up – life for me has been moving in full force. I’m currently 21 weeks with a little girl (FINALLY), starting a new position in a week, and have 2 boys that are graduating! Woo, talk about busy. We have one graduating preschool the end of this month and another graduating from 5th grade next month. Time is truly flying by and I’m struggling to capture and celebrate every moment. Have you ever just felt too busy? By the time I hit my sheets I’m completely knocked out. How do you ladies handle those busy moments of life? Do you schedule personal time for everyone individually? Do you have a family day that’s spent acknowledging everyone? Or do you find yourself saying wow, you’re graduating tomorrow what do you want to do to celebrate? (this is me at times-Mrs. LastMinute) You know, as a wife and mother, I truly have all the best intentions but the reality of my actions don’t always match up. A part of my daily prayers include asking God to show my family how much I love them in spite some of my actions.

intentionsSo to all the mothers (all that play a motherly role) I would like to say cheers to you! For your sacrifice, time, love, and support – don’t ever give up on yourself, keep pushing to do what you have to for your family. Continue to have all the best intentions and do your best in making them happen!

side note: So after posting this, I get an email entitled: For the Mom Who Doesn’t Feel Good Enough from the Jennie Allen blog and it’s indeed right on time and just for me – I hope it encourages you too!

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Find Rest in Him

We are a few days away from the day that is set aside to celebrate the gift of motherhood…Mother’s Day! On this day we celebrate and love on our mothers, grandmothers, godmothers or mother-like figures and are celebrated for those of us that are mothers ourselves. The role of mother is a precious gift from God, however there a times when we get tired, feel like we’re failing and in essence just need a break. There is always so much to do…cook, clean, assist with homework, tons of laundry, playtime, kiss a boo boo…the list could go on and on. In the midst of all of that we as mothers have to find time to REST!!!

PsalmRecently I was reading a devotional from Proverbs 31 Ministries and thought it was perfect to share with my girlfriends leading up to Mother’s Day. This particular devotional is titled “How To Climb The Mountain of Motherhood“. The author discusses how to deal with the many tasks, which feel like mountains, of motherhood and learning to take time to be refreshed and renewed. The best way to be refreshed is finding rest in Jesus and allowing Him to restore the virtue through His Word and quiet time with Him and Him alone. We need this time alone with Christ so that we can be renewed mentally and spiritually (sometimes emotionally too) so we can regain our confidence and complete the tasks at hand all with a peace of mind and calming spirit. When we are all worked up and stressed from all of our various to-dos or what is not yet completed, we make the job harder when we haven’t taken the time to stop and spend time with our Savior.

So today I encourage you to do just that. Take a break sis. Send the hubby and kids to the store, put them to bed, tip out and find you a quiet place where you can obtain rest from Him. You will walk away feeling refreshed, renewed, rejuvenated and ready to conquer the tasks of motherhood successfully!

For God alone my soul waits in silence and quietly submits to Him, For my hope is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation; My fortress and my defense, I will not be shaken or discouraged. – Psalm 62:5-6

I wish you all a Happy and Blessed Mother’s Day!

Peace & Blessings,

sig KT

Grandmas and Children

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I recently traveled to Philadelphia to see the new addition to the family, my nephew and all the rest of them. Like any other trip, of course I got sick, I swear it never fails, I get sick every time I travel, my immune system sucks. First stop was my grandmother’s house, the safe haven of all time. I lead my family up the front steps and rang the doorbell (I have a key, but I’m too excited to use it). There she goes, GRANDMA! She opens the storm door with one arm and embraces you with the other. Something about her embrace just lets you know ALL is well. We get in the house good and she looks everyone over pointing out how big the Littles are and then…she says “I see you put some weight on Tash” and then I look down at myself (what is it about when someone points out something about you we always look at ourselves in that moment, like we don’t know what the heck has been going on, lol). So, I just agree and kept it moving. Shortly after that moment, I walk upstairs to help grandma with the beds and she says “Tash, you ain’t getting big in the front are you?”…awkward!!!! I immediately said “no grandma”.  Why is it that children and grandmothers have no filter?!?!  I mean my daughter has told me that my stomach looked like a pancake that had been stepped on before (LMBO) and now grandma too! So at this point I’m beyond self-conscious about my physique and as she is sitting next to me she’s watching my every move. I found myself intentionally lying on my stomach on the floor just to lay that thought to rest lol. Now reality is, I am definitely the heaviest I have ever been, which is still not over weight for me; however, a good bit of it is isolated in my tummy….not cute for anyone, but especially a small framed person. So before long, my dad made his way over and my weight is also pointed out, and just like before, I cock my head down to take a look at myself as if something has changed in the past hour, lol. To add to the madness, by the next afternoon after our zoo trip I was sick as a dog. I mean snotty nosed, coughing, sneezing, sore throat, dizzy, nauseous, and then vomiting. What a way to spend time with the fam. I pretty much stayed in bed all day, I felt like death and then didn’t want to get anyone else sick. I mentioned trying to get back on the road to come home, but I knew I couldn’t take the ride. And of course, I’m sure me being sick only fueled grandmas thoughts. So once I returned to NC, Operation Life is Sweet: Get it Together was in full drive. Myself and a GIRLFRIENDS. have spent the last week prepping ourselves for this change of getting LIFE together holistically. Stay tuned for the journey.

p.s. There is still no place I’d rather be, than right there with Grandma!

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Fulfilling My Purpose

Why was I created? Why am I still here? What in my past and current life are pushing me towards fulfilling my God-given, Kingdom purpose? Deep questions to open up a blog post huh? Maybe, but maybe not? These questions come from a series my Pastor has been teaching from during our mid-week Bible study. Last week he ended it by telling us to take the (then) next 9 days left in April to reflect over our past and see what experiences, circumstances, situations, etc have happened to push us towards fulfilling our purpose. Now I’m a deep thinker and was excited to complete this assignment in my personal time and thought I’d share some of it with you in hopes that you will take the time to do the same.

PurposeMy immediate first thought took me back to a car accident I was involved in when I was 5 years old. From the stories I’ve been told I should not have made it out alive. I’ll spare you all of the details, but after being thrown out of the back windshield of the car and a 1 week hospital stay, I’m still alive to tell you about! There was purpose to be fulfilled…

I took a look back to my school days and how even though I had a plenty of friends, was a part of the “in” crowd, yet never really fit in. I was a part of the group, but sometimes felt I wasn’t accepted because I was different, I stood apart from the norm. I’m not saying that I was better than anyone, the ordinary just wouldn’t do for me, why because purpose had to be fulfilled….

Fast forward to college, my first love, or so I thought….6 years of back and forth with a man that I prayed would one day become my husband. I compromised my beliefs, my morals, and my virginity in exchange for years of heartbreak, brokenness and uncertainty. After years of wondering why me now I know…there was purpose to be fulfilled….

I’ve had 3 pregnancies in my lifetime…the first ended in abortion, a result of the above relationship….the second, a premature birth of my now precious Sweet Pea…and the third a miscarriage at the end of last year. Again why me, why did I make that first TERRIBLE decision which now haunts me almost 13 years later…why did my baby have to be born 6 weeks early and why did I have to go through leaving her in the hospital for 2 weeks….and now I still question the Lord why did my baby have to die….again there was purpose to be fulfilled…

Now I don’t have time to give you my full life story and neither do you have all week to sit through it, maybe a book will come from it later, we shall see lol. But these moments I have shared with you and events in between them all prepared me for a greater good….my destiny, my Kingdom purpose. I’ve shared that my purpose is with working with women. So how will I ever be able to minister to, pray for, encourage and uplift another sister if I had never experienced anything in my life.

I can tell a sister that thinks that she’s near the end and can’t take another step further, the enemy thought he was going to take me out at 5 years old, but here I stand before you at 33 years of age to tell you that this is not the end of your story either. Feel as though you don’t fit in, that’s okay, I don’t either, but hey that makes us more versatile to dwell among different crowds and still make an impact. Suffered/ing from a broken heart? Been there done that, wrote the book (well not yet lol). I’ve had some low, I mean low moments, got tangled up with the wrong men time after time again seeking for love, thought I’d never find love again…well I did first with my Savior who then, within His timing, sent me true love, my husband of almost 5 years! Feel regret from the abortion, wish you could reverse the decision, yeah me too. I was a coward in making that decision, instead of living out the consequences of my actions and having the baby and now I have to suffer with a lifetime of regret. I can’t change the past but now I can take that, flip it and encourage another sister or young lady to not make the same mistake. I can use the experiences of premature birth and miscarriage to support another mother even through my own pain. Yes it hurts, its hard watching others happy in their pregnancies when you hold your empty womb desiring the same, but hey you’re still here, alive and well and that means that the Lord can bless you to conceive, successfully carry and deliver when He sees fit. It is SO much deeper than just your experience. I’m a firm believer that there is a reason for everything and its up to you to seek His face to find out what exactly that is.

My testimony is proof that hey I made it. I’m just one example of a broken vessel that can be used as God’s example that through it all, I’m still standing, I’m still here and it’s all because of HIM! As I type this today, with tears in my eyes, all I can say is Thank you Father. Thank you for assigning this mission, this destiny, this purpose to me. My story hasn’t always been easy and I’ve had my fair share of struggle and pain, but I know it was simply because there was purpose to be fulfilled and it doesn’t stop here.

Peace & Blessings,

sig KT

 

Made A Way

Good morning girlfriends!

Today’s mid-week devotional is simply the lyrics to the song “Made A Way” by Travis Greene. This song has been placed in my heart this past week and I just hope that it encourages you. That God made a way for all things to come together in our lives. It was nothing we did beyond believe in His Word and He did just as He’s always promised…. He (God) Made A Way!

Made a way
Don’t know how but you did it
Made a way
Standing here not knowing how will get through this test
But holding unto faith you know that
Nothing can catch you by surprise
You got this figured out and you’re watching us now
But when it looks as if we can’t win
You wrap us in your arm and step in
And everything we need you supply
You got this in control
And now we know that

You made a way
When our backs were against the wall
And it looked as if it was over
You made a way
And we’re standing here
Only because you made a way
You made a way

Now we’re here
Looking back on where we come from
Because of you and nothing we’ve got
To deserve the love and mercy you’ve shown
But your grace was strong enough to pick us up

And you made a way
When our backs were against the wall
And it looked as if it was over
You made a way
And we’re standing here
Only because you made a way

You move mountains
You cause walls to fall
With your power
You perform miracles
There is nothing that’s impossible
And we’re standing here
Only because you made a way

Be encouraged and trust in His promises, today and every day of your life.

sig TW

How it all started…The Journey Leading up to 12/6/2014…Final Chapter

Catch up here…Through the next few months and a few sessions, I think that we were making some progress. The Friday before our original wedding date in May, we get the worst news ever…Robert has cancer…stage 4 cancer. A little background for a minute…earlier in the year, Robert started feeling funny and having stomach pains. After about a week of me pushing him to go get it checked out, he finally went. The doctors chalked it up as GERD and gave him a few prescriptions and sent him on his way. The meds made his symptoms worse and another month or so he went back. After getting an upper endoscopy done, there was still nothing. Not really having much relief and a new symptom on deck, he went back again a few weeks later. His primary ran some tests and did more blood work. That’s when we got the news. After the gut wrenching blow of news, we found ourselves in the hospital with our first issue…a blood clot. Outside of a few “love handles” Robert was in good health; now we find ourselves looking for answers.

Hospitalized for over a week, he endured more tests and scans to pinpoint the exact form of cancer even though they had a preliminary diagnosis. Hearing cancer, one of our top concerns was planning our future and what that meant. We decided to preserve our family before radiation and chemotherapy was started. Our decisions from here on out were the hardest one’s ever made. With too many details to share, we started radiation, gone through a second surgical biopsy procedure (this one from his kidney), and a round of chemo all by August. With a true diagnosis on deck, we took another blow; a rare form of kidney cancer that had little to no research and knowing life expectancy averaged 15-18 weeks from diagnosis.

Through it all, we still worked on our communication and decided to get married. The day was perfect! A nice cool Connecticut Saturday morning, nothing but close family and friends, we had our moment. Outside under the trees near the lake, I couldn’t have asked for anything better. It was an off week for chemo treatments and a good day for Robert so it was a great day for me. I was happy that in that moment on September 20th he was happy again and not worried or scared.

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Reality struck us and a week later he was once again hospitalized. Not knowing it at the time, this would be his last stay. He was admitted because of breathing issues stemming from fluid on his lungs. We took each day in strides in hopes of going home with some few extra pieces of equipment. We celebrated two months’ worth of anniversaries and spent Thanksgiving there. After two trips to ICU and intubation, he said he was ready. He was no longer scared, had no more worries, and was secure in his faith. He said his earthly goodbyes and on December 6, 2014 transitioned. A day to remember; only one year earlier I said yes to forever!

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Another Round Please

So its been another CRAZY week for me! I have what feels like 15 different projects going on at work, I’m beyond behind on ministry event planning and ideas, my baby’s birthday is this weekend –  have to make sure I have everything for her school birthday party, and then on top of all of that insert thoughts of doubt and slight anxiety about when things will finally come together so that my husband and I can finally say that we are home owners. It feels so close yet so far away. I’m ready to be in my own space again, but then concerned about leaving my mother and wanting to make sure that she will be okay once we leave. UGHHHHHHHHHH!! I need a way of escape. I need to remove myself from reality and steal away if only for a few minutes, something that will ease my thoughts and mellow me out….I NEED A DRINK!!!

drinks Yes that is the answer, I need to find me a quiet corner booth at a nice tucked away restaurant where no one can find me. I don’t want to think about any to do lists, what has yet to be done, don’t want to feel any guilt or remorse, I just want to enjoy that moment and that drink!!! (Record sccccccccccccrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaatttttttttcccccccccchhhhhhhhhh)

Yeah right!!!!!!!!!!!! Who am I kidding? Sounds good right, I mean after all I can repent afterwards right? Maybe but my conviction is SO much stronger than that and won’t allow me to even pick up the menu to order a drink. Recently I’ve had this fight in my flesh more than I’d like to admit. That was my way of escape in the past, it was easy to get lost in my thoughts and look up and I’d gone thru a whole bottle of wine. Not good, and I don’t want to go back there. So in that moment of weakness after gathering my thoughts, I went back and read an old post of mine that helped snatch me back to reality, I Need A Drink, and I wanted to share it with you today.

Maybe you have this same struggle or something similar that is piercing your flesh. If so I ask that you read that old post with an open mind and allow it to minister to you. Some may get upset or offended and if so I don’t apologize. I promised to give you my truth and give you the real in all of blog posts and that’s exactly what I am going to do. Give it to you straight, no sugar added. So here’s to another round…

Peace & Blessings,

sig KT

How it all started…The Journey Leading up to 12/6/2014

Catch up here…Such an amazing night and weekend I was sad to see him off to the airport. Our time spent with each other is important since it’s only a few days a month, but we’re making it do what it do! Can we say WEDDING PLANNING TIME!!!!! So exciting to actually be planning my own, I mean I’ve been involved with plenty from planning, decorating and setting up, to a bridesmaid. Not wanting to leave my boo out and wanting him to be involved on some things we started going over thoughts and ideas of what type of experience we wanted to have. Of course, I wanted to be different and unique and of course outside, so we ended up agreeing on our venue being the Museum of Life and Science in their butterfly garden. Can we say gorgeous! To road to May 25, 2014 was off to a great start.

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It was a great feeling in the planning process from viewing the venue and picking out our specific location to selecting our food…which was a food truck! How can you not have an outdoor wedding as unique as a museum and butterfly garden and not having unique food?!?!?!?! And to top it all off, in addition to a traditional desserts, we’re having a shaved ice truck! Yummy!!! A nice intimate setting with a touch of fun, how could we pass it up? Along the way, I found the perfect dress (or at least the look and style that I wanted but not the price tag lol). So me and one of the girlfriends were on a mission to find a similar dress and style but cheaper and came across a close match for a fraction of the cost. Now the catch was it’s coming from China! We all know how shaky some of these websites can be, so before ordering it, we prayed on that thing hard that it would arrive in a timely manner and compare to the picture that’s posted online. Prayers were answered because the dress arrived fairly quickly (maybe 4 weeks) AND it was EXACTLY the same as in the picture posted online. STOKED!!!!!!!!!!!!

With all the excitement in wedding planning, reality still exist and during that time our reality was serious communication issues. With limited face to face time, conversations were being misinterpreted and we both were frustrated with our poor communication in an otherwise healthy relationship. For me, this is a deal breaker. It got to the point where I wasn’t comfortable starting a marriage on a rocky foundation. So I did what I felt was right in my heart which was to cancel/postpone the wedding. Did some disapprove, yes. Were some supportive, yes. At that time, what mattered was that Robert and I have the best start on this journey as possible because I know that there will not always be good days and we needed to know how to navigate that if/when it arise. So we navigated our way through pre-marital and relationship counseling. Final chapter… coming soon!

sig EF