So here I am, on the brink of a new season. I wish I could say that I was completely excited about it, but I’m just not there yet. This is quite an unexpected season and feels like a bit of a crossroad. Like I’m standing in the middle trying to decide which direction to turn in first. This is not a good feeling, and to be honest I’m fearful of what will come next.
Now I know you are probably thinking, what happened to me living by my 2017 mantra “Stop walking in fear, run with faith”. It’s still there, but how many of us know that with this declaration there has to come a test to push me to excel in the mantra. So here we are at the crossroad of this test and it is a hard one. I’ve been forced to make a decision that I didn’t feel like would come at this point in my life. I’d gotten comfortable, this felt like home, well it was home, or so I thought. It was home for that season, but as the saying goes “all good things must come to an end”. And I think that is the part that is really hard for me to accept and fully comprehend. Why must it end like this? Lord, why did you bring me to this place for it to just be taken away so abruptly? But at the same time I’m wondering if warning signs were there and I just passed by them, ignored them or overlooked them? Or was I just completely blindsided and it was time for the truth to be revealed. These questions play in my head daily and even haunt me in my dreams.
So where do I go from here? Though I’m not ready to start over, this is what is before me. New seasons are supposed to feel good, a fresh start, right? In this case the fear of the unknown is trying to take over and consume my thoughts and emotions. Just when I think I have cried my last tear, and am near making peace with this decision, here comes the hurt and anger all over again. But this is not how I roll and that is definitely not how He rolls. There is a purpose and a plan for everything that happens in life, but it’s up to me to find that purpose. To figure out what I am to learn from this and then seek guidance on how to move forward. But its hard ya’ll, I really have no other way to describe it. (And before I go any further let me stop and clear the air and let you know that this post nor any of my recent posts have anything to do with my husband or our marriage. We are still happily married and very much in love! Just had to put that out there lol)
I guess the best way to describe it right now is to be honest and say I’m afraid. I’m afraid of what comes next and all that comes along with it. Will I (we) make the right decision, will we be accepted, how long will it take to find “home”, will this be our permanent place or will we have to endure this hardship or something similar all over again? I’m sorry if I’m a little scattered today, but I just needed to get my thoughts out. I’m normally strong, or at least try to be but today I need to just take the veil off and just express how I feel. That helps my healing process because if I continue to keep it bottled up these feelings are only going to get worse. Although I apologize for the brain dump, I make no apologies about how I feel regarding this situation. I’m entitled to my feelings and I’m working through it. But something of this magnitude takes time to get over. As I express myself here please believe that I am still taking it all to my Daddy. He is the one that has the answers and as I wrote in Silence Speaks, I just have to continue to remain still as this new season unfolds. So here I stand at the crossroads waiting on my GPS (Daddy) to give directions on the next move…
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you. When you walk through fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you.; “Because you are precious in My sight, You are honored and I love you, I will give other men in return for you and other peoples in exchange for your life. ~ Isaiah 43: 2, 4 AMP
Peace & Blessings,
(Photo Cred: https://www.pinterest.com/rhiwalser/quotes-that-i-love/)