Tag: kids

I’m Just NOT READY!

Long hallways, school bell, huge cafeteria, teachers, TAs, core classes, electives, recess, before & after care…..you guessed it…Kindergarten and I’m just NOT READY!!!

I recently just started going on magnet school tours to get a feel for the school that I want Sweet Pea to attend next year and it is a bit much. There is just SO much to consider. There are SO many different school based themes and tracks to consider and ultimately I just want what is best for my Sweet Pea. On top of all of that my emotions are on an all time high! I think its worse this time than what I described in my previous post, I Got the Blues, when I talked about my feelings with her starting preschool. This time its the real thing. When she enters that school next August, she will no longer be my baby, she will be a big girl like for real and y’all I am just NOT READY!!!

I was a soldier during the first tour, but yesterday was a little different. As the magnet coordinator and school principal walked us down the halls, showing us the ins and outs of their programs I could feel the anxiety rise and tears start to well. I had to swallow hard a few times as I watched the kids working hard in their classrooms and picturing my Sweet Pea there with them. When we went in the cafeteria I almost lost it! All I could see in my mind was Sweet Pea walking with her tray, trying to find a seat and I just wanted to scream. And to make matters worse this is when a question was posed by another parent asking if the kindergartners are escorted to their classes and to lunch and the answer was NO! **insert distressed emoji** What do you mean no? What if my baby gets lost? In my mind all I see is her clammed up crying because she doesn’t know where to go which will make me cry because I will not there to help her. (Tears welling up again)

Every night when I put Sweet Pea in bed, after she has said her prayers and I love yous and kisses have been given, she always asks if I’m going to stay with her tomorrow. During the week, my reply is always “no mommy has to go to work tomorrow” to which her response is “No mommy I want you to stay with me”. I think this is the brink of my anxiety and all of this emotion, knowing that I can’t be with her at all times and one day her desires will change and she will be on her own path in life. In my mind and in my heart she will always be my sweet, sweet 4lb 8oz baby that will always need and depend on me. And although l will always be here for her I just have to accept that its time to let her go and allow her to develop into her own person. And to think I want to have another baby and go thru this all over again LOL!

I need for y’all to pray for me, like for real. I know that I am not the only mother that has gone through this process, and I may be a little dramatic in how I’m dealing with it all, but I need my Girlfriends to back me up because I’m just NOT READY!

Peace & Blessings,

Don’t Mess With Mama’s Baby

So this is supposed to be my off week, but since my Girlfriends are still on a sabbatical, no shade, (well maybe a little lol 😉 ) and because I feel like writing, I’m going to do just that!

Last weekend Sweet Pea and I attended one of her classmates’ 4th birthday party. Now I have to be honest, I was reluctant of going at first. Sweet Pea attends a predominantly Caucasian school, that doesn’t bother me, but the idea of going to someone’s house knowing we would be the “only two” made me second guess if we should go or not. I had to quickly remind myself that it wasn’t about my feelings, I needed to stop being selfish and put the focus back on what mattered, giving Sweet Pea some girl time with her peers.

So I got up, got us both dressed (as twins in black and white 🙂 ), pulled out her Cinderella dress, picked up a gift and headed to the Princess themed party! When we arrived everyone was extremely friendly, Sweet Pea was a little shy since we were in a new space, but once she saw some faces she recognized she quickly warmed up. The hosting mom had on her fairy godmother dress as she was the “head princess in charge” and got the games and activities started. We made crowns, had a fashion show, ate cupcakes and had the option of Princess Punch or Fairy Fuzz to drink, cute right? lol So after all was said and done and the party was pretty much over the kids had open free play. I sat back and watched Sweet Pea interact with her peers. I noticed one little girl who was a little bossy and blatantly told Sweet Pea that she couldn’t play with the tea set, pushed her back and handed the cup to another little girl. Okay if you know me by now you know that didn’t sit well with me at all. I wanted to jump in and take over like no she can play, but I sat back and observed to see how Sweet Pea would handle it. She didn’t let it bother her and kept playing. So then this little child told my baby “You can be my waitress”………………………………….*blank stare*……………………….

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It didn’t bother Sweet Pea because she just wanted to play, but it bothered mommy a lot! This little chick even went and got another girl and said that Sweet Pea would be their waitress. Now remember I said we were the “only two” at the party. None of the other moms were near us so they didn’t hear what was going on. Ya’ll when I tell you my ears were burning from the rage that was building up. First you push my child, then tell her that she can be your hired help….I had to remind myself that this little girl was only 4 and is only a product of what she’s taught in her home. As you probably guessed by now, it wasn’t long before we gathered our belongings, said our thank yous to the host family and left.

I play about a lot of things, but my family is not one of them. My mind was all over the place after leaving. I’m thinking like does she deal with this type stuff at school all the time? Does she allow these kids to push her around? What is being said to her, or what are people’s thoughts of her? Do I have to teach her about racism at 4? This is my baby I don’t want to have this talk with her this early, but I did. I let her know to not allow anyone to push her around, that she needs to let someone know when the other kids aren’t playing fairly and most importantly I let her know that you are no one’s waitress. If that is a job she desires to have when of age fine, but you are no one’s hired help okay!!!

Girlfriends tell me, did I overreact or was I right in my thinking? I just want to protect her in any and every way that I can. I don’t want to be THAT mom but then again I do. I know she will be exposed to a lot when she’s not with me especially this day in age but I want to make sure she understands how to carry herself and defend herself when necessary. If I could put her in a bubble I would lol But since I can’t I will continue to teach her and most importantly pray for the Lord’s covering and protection over her life.

I apologize for the length of today’s post, I just needed to get it off my chest and who better to do that with than with my girlfriends. Thanks for listening or reading rather lol 🙂

Peace & Blessings,

sig KT

 

Thoughts of a Real Mother…

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From time to time, I have these moments, that I once believed was “just me” when on the outside I appear to “have it together” and a smile on my face, but on the inside I’m SCREAMING. I love my children deeply, but some days I don’t feel like being an adult, or a mother for that matter.  Some days I miss being able to take a shower without little hands pulling the shower curtain back just to make sure I didn’t go too far.  Or to simply sit on the toilet without the both of them joining me as if I need moral support.  Some days I just want to lay in bed all day, watching adult t.v. shows (remember I’m a fan of ratchet t.v.) and eating a full plate without half of my food being eaten by the littles that suddenly become hungry again after their two plates.  Some days having the sole responsibility for how two other people end up is a bit much.   Even as I have these thoughts and type them, a part of me feels guilty.  Is this normal? Should I feel this way? What about those “perfect” moms?  At times I feel like I have to make a conscious effort to be a “good mom”. I don’t necessarily feel like it came “natural” to me.  Shoot…half the time I’m making things up as I go.  The crazy part about it is, despite feeling this way at times, when the children are away, I have no clue what to do or I’m instantly eager to have them come back.  The plus side, is they have no idea mommy doesn’t know what the heck she’s doing.  They have no idea about my sleepless nights or the planning that’s involved in trying to have a smooth evening after school.  So even on my “worst” day as a mom, I’m still their mommy and they believe I’m the only one that can drive this ship.  So I began to pray and the Lord reminded me that He’s got me and them. He reminded me of when I sat at Planned Parenthood when I just found out I was expecting my first born (I will share that experience another time), that if I trust in Him, he will always have her, that WE would lack for nothing.  To this day, God has not went back on that word.  Now I may have my “whoa me” moments, but we lack for nothing.  As I scrolled down my Facebook news feed, I saw this quote on My Motherboard page and I was inspired to share the thoughts of a Real Mother.

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“We’re Two-ing it”

 

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Welp, my little guy is now TWO (let’s have a moment of silence for this mommy balling for the baby that isn’t a baby anymore) and to make it more official now we’ve finally officially kicked the paci to the curb. Well it was more like daddy lost it and I had finished a 12 hour shift and wasn’t going out to buy another one. After looking throughout the house in all the, now empty, secret stashes….oh come on, those of you that had pacifier babies know you hide them everywhere for emergency purposes. Anyway, after a tough night I thought, well we made it through, let’s try another and before we knew it he stopped asking for the “pa-hee”. In fact I told him we gave it to the crying babies and somehow he was okay with that after a few “falling out” moments.  We have entered the biting, the scratching, the wanting anything sissy has phase.  I know I have a two year old, but at times I swear his appetite is that of a teenager. Now moving on to the other “thing” drum roll please……………POTTY TRAINING. About a month before he turned two I noticed he was interested in the Potty, wanting to sit on it and was pretty good about it if I got him to it first thing when he woke up and of course when he was successful we always make a big fuss about it. A few accidents here and there, mainly mommy trying to figure out how to sit a boy on the seat without ending up with a mess right in front. He occasionally attempts the whole standing up thing which tends to end in a mess or a near miss…..me just catching the toilet seat in the nick of time from slamming down on his you know what. Just recently he is going #2 in the pull-ups then runs to the bathroom to “dump” it in the toilet and somehow he feels accomplished……lol. Those who have potty trained little boys we need some help!!!!!!

 

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Growing Pains…

Hey Girlfriends!!! I pray that you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday and were able to share it among loved ones!

Okay so today I’m having a mushy mommy moment! My baby is growing up toooooooooooooooooo fast!!! She has developed SO much since she started school and continues to shock me every day with new phrases and sentences. She is very observant and has quite a sharp memory! She can reenact everything from circle time at school to the flow of intercessory prayer during Sunday morning worship!! Lol! She is trip ya’ll and I love it!!! Nothing warms my heart more than when she randomly runs up to me, wraps those little arms around my neck, kisses me on the cheek and says “Mommy I just love you!” **insert tear**

I’m looking forward to continue to watch her grow and develop but can’t help but get sad when those Facebook memories pop up with all of her various baby pictures that I previously posted. Where has the time gone? She will be 4 in 4 months…did you hear me 4!!!! I don’t think I’m ready yet. I want her to stay this little forever, is that too much to ask for? Am I the only mommy that feels this way? I know I can be a little crazy sometimes, but come on now I know I am not alone!!! LOL!!!

I thank God for blessing me with the gift of motherhood and I wouldn’t trade it in for the world. The good days, bad days, and yes even the acceptance of these growing pains that Sweet Pea is developing into her own little person. Its tough to accept but I have to do it!

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And you know it wouldn’t be me if I didn’t flip the attention off myself and on to you Girlfriend! For those that have been blessed to be called Mother, treasure that title, pray for your children constantly and strive to be the best woman for the job! And for those ladies that have the desire to carry the title of mother one day, continue to present your petition to our Father. If it be His will I pray that your request be given to you in His timing!

Until next week…

Peace & Blessings,

sig KT

 

Learning To Let Go

Well ladies Sweet Pea is halfway thru her third week of summer camp! Can you believe it?!?!? So far she loves every aspect of it, although drop off in the mornings can still be a little shaky lol. So remember I told you in I Got the Blues…The Final Chapter that she would be attending a part time preschool. This schedule is working perfectly so far! It gives her a chance to interact with kids her age, expose her to the whole aspect of going to school and gives Nana a much needed break in the mornings. I only wish that this lasted all summer long! Since they did not have as many children sign up as they had hoped, she only attended 2 weeks in June and will attend 2 weeks in July. So it’s somewhat of a teaser for her. 😉

I know you are wondering how day 1 went for Sweet Pea and for Mommy and Nana LOL! I was a little nervous but didn’t want to show so Sweet Pea would be at ease. I told her Nana that she couldn’t come to drop off because I wanted that to be my moment. Well to my surprise she comes around the corner dressed saying she was coming LOL! Sike my boo boo huh! I guess she was getting me back from when I didn’t let her stay with me when we brought Sweet Pea home from the hospital, another story for another day lol Any who Nana already had tears in her eyes before we left the house and I made a pact with myself not to look her in her eyes so the tears I was holding in would not free themselves from my tear ducts! (It wasn’t easy lol) Sweet Pea was all chipper and excited until we walked in the gate of the school and she realized Mommy was not going to stay, insert screams and tears! You don’t know how hard it was for me to let her hand go and walk away! The school director looked at me and reassured me that she was going to be fine and they would see me that afternoon. Before I could calm myself down, I had to calm Nana down who had gotten out of the car looking thru the gate to make sure that Sweet Pea was okay. I had to force her to get back in the car! Hilarious!!

Upon pick up that day, Sweet Pea came around the corner with the biggest smile on her face and greeted Mommy with a huge hug! #InsertMommyTearsHere Whew sighs of relief! We made it thru day one. The director let us (yes Nana got out of the car and came in this time LOL) know that she did excellent and only cried for a minute or so after we left. Since that day her morning tears have ceased a little more each day and she’s now just a little hesitant to walk in. She has learned so much already, some good and some bad (kids pick up bad habits so quickly), but nonetheless she’s learning, growing and developing just the way that she should at this age. It’s time for Mommy to learn to let go and finally accept that Sweet Pea is growing up. Sigh…….

Me & Sweet Pea

Sweet Pea & Mommy all smiles at the end of Day 1!

sig KT

Daddy’s Girl

“Mommy, where’s Daddy?” “Mommy, I wanna see Daddy!” Something I hear quite frequently on a daily basis. If Hubby does not arrive home around his scheduled time, Sweet Pea is not having it! Oh and don’t let her fall asleep before he gets home and arise the next morning and he’s already left for work…insert whines and cries here! LOL! You guessed it…Sweet Pea is an all-around Daddy’s Girl and I love it!! But wait I can’t put it all on her because he’s just as crazy about her as she is about him! These two are the best of friends and I think it’s just the cutest thing ever!

You see my experience was not quite the same. As you’ve probably already noticed I have yet to mention anything about my father in past blog posts. My dad was called home at the age of 51, I was only 8 and my sister was 3. Being that I was so young I really do not have many memories of my father, he and my mom were never married. I really only have 1 vague memory of him leaving the house around my 8th birthday and telling me that he would be back soon as he had a gift for me. Sadly I don’t remember ever receiving that gift, but instead received the news from my mom that he had gone on to Heaven. At that age I didn’t understand much just that would not see my father anymore. I don’t remember crying or feeling sad until I got older and realized there was somewhat of a void in my life. Don’t get me wrong, my mom did an outstanding job in raising my sister and me, as I’ve told you before in Dear Mama. It was not her fault that my father made the decisions that he did, however I often wonder what life would have been like if the Lord would have allowed him to live. So many questions run through my mind, but one that stands out the most is if I would have been “his girl?” Yeah sure he has 2 other daughters besides me, but I can’t help but wonder what our relationship would have been like. Sometimes it’s hard for me to even talk about him because at times I really don’t know what to say. I try to avoid asking questions not to offend or bring up hurtful memories, but I still sit and wonder “what if.” To be honest, as bad as it may sound, I think it’s just easier to not mention or think about him at all. That way I don’t have to face the reality of never really knowing him or having a relationship with him.

“Honor your father and mother”–which is the first commandment with a promise –that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”  (Ephesians 6: 2-3)

For a long time I would skip the first part and go straight to mother as that is all that I know, right? WRONG! Regardless of what happened all those years ago, regardless of how I felt at 8 and how I feel now at 32, he was still my father I must give honor where honor is due. Yeah Daddy may not be here anymore but he’s still that, Daddy. I still find it weird even using that term “Daddy.” Nonetheless I had/have to stop focusing on the “what if” and start focusing on the One that has been there the entire time to fill the void of an earthy father, my Heavenly Father. Those talks that I desire to have with a father, I can have with Him. The feeling of “I made my Daddy proud”, I can still feel with my Heavenly Father. And yes those moments of discipline and correction, even from Heaven will sting just as bad if not worse!

Fast forward to now…I think this is one of many reasons why I love watching the relationship between Sweet Pea and Hubby continue to grow. I know that God makes no mistakes and just maybe He has allowed me to experience the concept of a daddy’s girl not only through my relationship with Him but also through the relationship of my husband and daughter. (Although sometimes I get a little jealous when she prefers him over me lol) I pray that as she gets older that the closeness that they share is never broken and it is a bond that she will always cherish.

This Father’s Day not only will I celebrate my relationship with my Heavenly Father, my Spiritual Father (my Pastor), my loving Husband, and my Mama (yes we buy her a card on Father’s day too) but I will also take time out to honor my late father. With that being said…

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Happy Father’s Day Daddy, from “Your Girl”

sig KT

daddy's girl

Hubby and Sweet Pea
Summer 2013

“Give me Sexy”

This weekend I had the pleasure of meeting up with the girlfriends for our first photo shoot. We were beyond excited, it had been sometime since we had all gotten a chance to get together. We arrived at the studio of Tanisha Walker, In God’s Image Photography/Makeup Artistry with our outfits in hand and hair slayed. Some of the girlfriends started out with the makeup application of our shoot while the rest of us watched, taking mental notes, lol and chatting. It was my turn to get in the chair!!! YAY!!!!!!! I love make up, I say “Go all the way!” Tanisha (makeup artist and photographer) says “all the way?” and I repeat “Yup, ALL THE WAY!” The end result was gooooooooorgeousss!! And she went all the way. Once we were all done we stood before the camera. We had so much fun laughing, joking and just flat out loving on each other and then Tanisha shouts out “give me sexy!!!” and it was as if someone was dancing real hard at a party that was playing your song and hit the D.J’s table, you know that sound, at least that’s what it felt like for me. Sexy?….. what is sexy? According to Webster’s Dictionary, sexy is defined as generally attractive or interesting: appealing, stimulating. Synonyms being bodacious, desirable, hot. Urban dictionary had terms like, sultry, lustful and tantalizing. I found at that moment I had no clue “how to be/give sexy”…..I don’t know if it’s the “motherhood’ that drenches me like the frosting on a hot Cinnabon, or the retired pumps that have been traded for non slip and quick shoes to keep up with my small children. I’ve always thought I was attractive, pretty,(looking back at what Webster’s said……) appealing, desirable even. Regardless of what I have on or don’t have on I feel “me”, beautiful, confident, no need for any validation from another, in fact at times it makes me feel uncomfortable than gratified. I have heard the term “sexy” in a description of me by another before, but I don’t know that I’ve ever thought of myself as “sexy”…at least not what Urban dictionary had to say about it and at least not for a very loooong time. When I tried to “give that sexy”….well I looked mad, lol. So I find myself wondering and asking myself, “What is sexy?” as if it were an object I could dash out to buy. Surely being a mother couldn’t have swiped away my sexiness…..or did it? (ok, I can’t help but say “Swiper No Swiping, Swiper No Swiping, lol) When I sat down and began to really think of “sexy” or “sexiness” I think of it as a state of my mind, and if I had to label it, I guess I could say “sexy”.

 

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Emotional Roller Coaster

Okay so I’m having a day ladies. Like I’m not here for it, not in the mood, leave me alone, give me 50 feet kinda day. I’m really trying my best to get out of this funk but nothing is really helping at this point. This blah feeling inspired me to write about EMOTIONS!

Admit it; we have all struggled with our emotions at one time or another. Whether it is “that time of the month”, or something didn’t go your way, we as women sometimes do not know how to fully control our emotions. Let me give you an example. So my Sweet Pea is going thru another phase of the Terrible 2’s (almost 3’s) and it is driving me nuts! (A toddler will show you that you are not as strong as think, chile!!!) These days if she does not get her way or is told ‘no’ she immediately starts screaming, I mean no tears, just a very loud uncontrollable scream. Normally I’m able to handle it pretty well, but that was not the case yesterday. I was almost to the point of where I just wanted to grab my purse and leave for a while (she wasn’t alone, her Daddy and Nana were home too). I almost felt like I did when she was a newborn and I couldn’t get her to calm down…you guessed yes I wanted to cry and scream too! But nonetheless I had to put on my big girl panties, swallow those tears back down and carry on as if my feelings were not totally crushed! (It was not very easy to say the least).

On my drive into work this morning, as I reflected back on the events of the day prior, I started to compare this situation to others in my life where I may have thrown a tantrum of my own. How many times do we as women pout when we don’t get our way, or give our husbands the cold shoulder because of a small argument or disagreement. (Guilty as charged!) I mean I can go a few days without saying anything if I’m ticked off about something, which is definitely not the best option especially in a marriage. (I’m working on it, please pray for me lol) In the same sense, how many times have we ignored or turned our back on God because we didn’t get what we thought we deserved. Trust me I’m not pointing fingers because I am guilty of it too. My husband has often times told me that I am too emotional and to get over it. And I am quick to remind him that I’m a woman and we are emotional creatures. Okay yes that may be true. God did make women to be the weaker vessel (in relation to a man) but we shouldn’t use this as a crutch when dealing with our emotions.

A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of. ~Luke 6:45

Wow. That scripture alone just shut me down completely! Our heart houses our emotions, so whatever you have tucked away in your heart will eventually come out of your mouth. And really if it doesn’t come out of your mouth, it will show thru facial expressions and body language. So we have to be careful and truly be watchful of how we deal with our feelings and emotions. Every situation doesn’t require a tear or an outburst.

Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. ~ Proverbs 29:11

So, you are probably wondering how the story ended with Sweet Pea’s tantrum yesterday. Even though I was irritated, upset, and slightly defeated, I went ahead with my normal nightly duties without having a break down myself. Yes I have to admit that I was a little less vocal than normal, but sometimes that is best to not cause further conflict. (As long as it doesn’t linger for a few days lol) After I got Sweet Pea tucked in bed, I did grab my purse and left for a little while just to clear my mind and regroup. That was the best option in dealing with my emotions for that situation.

So I encourage you to stop and think first before reacting or giving in to your emotions. We are allowed to have a moment; we are human that’s natural, but remember it is only a moment. Yes this is a challenge and I am by no way perfect at it, but this is something that I (we) will conquer!

sig KT

I Got the Blues…Part II

Girlfriends…I made it through the tour without crying, BUT almost had a small emotional outburst LOL! However I was a “big girl” and swallowed it back down. I did not want to embarrass my husband, nor myself. Even though I think the program director saw it all over my face and is used to those types of reactions from new preschool/daycare moms. This is a huge step! It seems like just yesterday she was 2 weeks old and we were bringing her home from the hospital. (That’s another story that I will share with you all at a later date).

So on to the story about the actual tour. Overall I was very impressed by the school, their curriculum and staff. I will withhold from sharing the name of the school for now. Upon our arrival, the director was at the door with a huge smile on her face waiting to greet us (Love that!) Instantly she made me and baby girl feel comfortable. My pooh was a little intimidated at first and literally hugged my leg the first 15 minutes of the tour. LOL! Once we started touring the classrooms she started to open up a bit and showed interest in the toys and various activities going on. It wasn’t until we visited with her potential class on the playground that my almost outburst occurred. While hubby and I were talking to the director I noticed she slowly inched away from us and closer to the other kids. Before we knew it she was in the midst of the kids, engaging in their block activity, without looking back at mommy and daddy. Okay I’m getting emotional again!!! No but like seriously 🙁

We left her on the playground for a little while to go over some paperwork. When we returned to let her know it was time to go, she looked as though she was right at home and wasn’t ready to leave her new found friends. She actually had a fit when Daddy picked her up so we could go. This is the reassurance I needed (well we both needed) to see that she is indeed ready to start school. I just don’t know if Mommy (nor her Nana, another post for another day lol) is truly ready for this. I want her to grow up, but then again I want her to always be my sweet baby girl. What am I going to do when its her actual first day….then her first day of kindergarten…first day of high school…prom….graduation…..

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! I need your prayers PLEASE!!!!! I guess I just have to suck it up and realize she’s growing up and know that she will always be my baby girl. I (we) will get thru this!!!

Don’t worry, there will be a Part III coming soon after her first day, or maybe first week. Stay tuned girlfriends!!!

sig KT