Tag: life’s journey

This Is Me

I have a sarcastic sense of humor.
I love all things ice cream.
I can be extremely silly at times.
I love to dance.
When I sing, I sing loudly (and sometimes wrong lol)
When I love, I love hard.
I can have a bad attitude at times.
I have a problem with letting things go (Which I told you in my post Blessed And Unbothered)
I have insecurities.
Sometimes I speak out of turn.
I can forgive, but I struggle with the “forget”

These are just a few things that make me, me. The good, the bad and the ugly. Each piece put together uniquely design who you are getting to know…Katesha. As I get older, more of me, is revealed to me. I’m beginning to learn that although I’ve been me for 33 (almost 34 AHHH!!) years, there is still a lot that I am learning about myself. Every time that I think I have overcome something, I am quickly proved wrong and tasked with getting over and/or through it all over again.

Ever since I wrote the post about learning to let things go and not allowing “them” to bother me, I have been tested in this area constantly. Each time the test has been targeted in different areas of my life, which causes me to process and deal with each differently. I’ve learned that I internalize a lot. I really only open up to a very, I mean very, few people. Mainly because I like to deal with things on my own, but also because I do not want to have to process the opinions of others on top of my own which essentially end up confusing me more. Now I know that this may sound like a bit of an oxymoron as I am always telling others to open up and talk about it. But sometimes it is just easier to not say anything at all, speaking of me here.

I’ve really been working, or attempting to work on perfecting me in this season. I put a quote on my vision board that states ” I’m good at being me, but I want to become a better me”. I may have paraphrased that since it’s not in front of me at the moment, but I hope you get the gist lol. I’m finding that there is a lot of me that I just don’t like and that’s not always a good feeling. But in order to reach the ultimate goal of becoming more like Christ I have to deal with it, as ugly as it may be at times. And maybe, just maybe, that is what I find to be the most difficult part, looking at the (wo)man in the mirror, peeling off the layers that can no longer be attached to me.

I have a shirt that I love to wear that says “I’m fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalms 139:14), but question have I really dissected what that means to me personally…until now. I was made in His own image and He designed every intricate part of me, so why not embrace it, right? I have to learn to embrace every part of me, every season of life and when I hit the difficult parts, turn to Him to remove them or direct me on how to correct them. It’s just as simple as that. The road may not always be easy in this journey called life, but the pruning season(s) is(are) necessary in order for me to live out and walk in my purpose.

This is a day by day thing girlfriends, and I pray that you will take the time to evaluate yourself, just as I am. It is needed and something that we have to do to in order to remain humble and display/share the love of Christ to others.

He who gains wisdom and good sense loves (preserves) his own soul; He who keeps understanding will find good and prosper. Proverbs 19:8 AMP

Peace & Blessings,

(Photo Cred: http://andoutofsmallthings.com/one-step-to-become-who-you-are-meant-to-be/)

 

How it all started…The Journey Leading up to 12/6/2014…Final Chapter

Catch up here…Through the next few months and a few sessions, I think that we were making some progress. The Friday before our original wedding date in May, we get the worst news ever…Robert has cancer…stage 4 cancer. A little background for a minute…earlier in the year, Robert started feeling funny and having stomach pains. After about a week of me pushing him to go get it checked out, he finally went. The doctors chalked it up as GERD and gave him a few prescriptions and sent him on his way. The meds made his symptoms worse and another month or so he went back. After getting an upper endoscopy done, there was still nothing. Not really having much relief and a new symptom on deck, he went back again a few weeks later. His primary ran some tests and did more blood work. That’s when we got the news. After the gut wrenching blow of news, we found ourselves in the hospital with our first issue…a blood clot. Outside of a few “love handles” Robert was in good health; now we find ourselves looking for answers.

Hospitalized for over a week, he endured more tests and scans to pinpoint the exact form of cancer even though they had a preliminary diagnosis. Hearing cancer, one of our top concerns was planning our future and what that meant. We decided to preserve our family before radiation and chemotherapy was started. Our decisions from here on out were the hardest one’s ever made. With too many details to share, we started radiation, gone through a second surgical biopsy procedure (this one from his kidney), and a round of chemo all by August. With a true diagnosis on deck, we took another blow; a rare form of kidney cancer that had little to no research and knowing life expectancy averaged 15-18 weeks from diagnosis.

Through it all, we still worked on our communication and decided to get married. The day was perfect! A nice cool Connecticut Saturday morning, nothing but close family and friends, we had our moment. Outside under the trees near the lake, I couldn’t have asked for anything better. It was an off week for chemo treatments and a good day for Robert so it was a great day for me. I was happy that in that moment on September 20th he was happy again and not worried or scared.

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Reality struck us and a week later he was once again hospitalized. Not knowing it at the time, this would be his last stay. He was admitted because of breathing issues stemming from fluid on his lungs. We took each day in strides in hopes of going home with some few extra pieces of equipment. We celebrated two months’ worth of anniversaries and spent Thanksgiving there. After two trips to ICU and intubation, he said he was ready. He was no longer scared, had no more worries, and was secure in his faith. He said his earthly goodbyes and on December 6, 2014 transitioned. A day to remember; only one year earlier I said yes to forever!

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How it all started…The Journey Leading up to 12/6/2014

Catch up here…Such an amazing night and weekend I was sad to see him off to the airport. Our time spent with each other is important since it’s only a few days a month, but we’re making it do what it do! Can we say WEDDING PLANNING TIME!!!!! So exciting to actually be planning my own, I mean I’ve been involved with plenty from planning, decorating and setting up, to a bridesmaid. Not wanting to leave my boo out and wanting him to be involved on some things we started going over thoughts and ideas of what type of experience we wanted to have. Of course, I wanted to be different and unique and of course outside, so we ended up agreeing on our venue being the Museum of Life and Science in their butterfly garden. Can we say gorgeous! To road to May 25, 2014 was off to a great start.

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It was a great feeling in the planning process from viewing the venue and picking out our specific location to selecting our food…which was a food truck! How can you not have an outdoor wedding as unique as a museum and butterfly garden and not having unique food?!?!?!?! And to top it all off, in addition to a traditional desserts, we’re having a shaved ice truck! Yummy!!! A nice intimate setting with a touch of fun, how could we pass it up? Along the way, I found the perfect dress (or at least the look and style that I wanted but not the price tag lol). So me and one of the girlfriends were on a mission to find a similar dress and style but cheaper and came across a close match for a fraction of the cost. Now the catch was it’s coming from China! We all know how shaky some of these websites can be, so before ordering it, we prayed on that thing hard that it would arrive in a timely manner and compare to the picture that’s posted online. Prayers were answered because the dress arrived fairly quickly (maybe 4 weeks) AND it was EXACTLY the same as in the picture posted online. STOKED!!!!!!!!!!!!

With all the excitement in wedding planning, reality still exist and during that time our reality was serious communication issues. With limited face to face time, conversations were being misinterpreted and we both were frustrated with our poor communication in an otherwise healthy relationship. For me, this is a deal breaker. It got to the point where I wasn’t comfortable starting a marriage on a rocky foundation. So I did what I felt was right in my heart which was to cancel/postpone the wedding. Did some disapprove, yes. Were some supportive, yes. At that time, what mattered was that Robert and I have the best start on this journey as possible because I know that there will not always be good days and we needed to know how to navigate that if/when it arise. So we navigated our way through pre-marital and relationship counseling. Final chapter… coming soon!

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#30Til33

The countdown to my birthday has officially begun!!! That’s right ladies I have officially marked tomorrow, March 4th as #30Til33 as I will be 33 (Lord’s willing) on April 4th!!! **Que Trey Songz….Go girllllllllllllllll it’s your birthday** HA!! Okay let me get serious. Lol

Excuse my hype-ness but I’m just super excited about the anticipation of a new year of life. Don’t get me wrong year 32 was not terribly bad, but I did experience some losses that I pray I do not carry over into this new phase of life. Wow 33, just a few years away from being considered in my “mid-thirties” YIKES!!! I still have SO much that I want to accomplish and it seems as though life is just flying on by. So what have I done to prepare? I finally purchased a planner!! (I don’t’ think you all realize how much excitement this thing brings to my life!!! Showing my age again LOL!) This Happy Planner is my life and is truly helping me get control of my life! (Emphasis on happy because it makes me feel that way!) I write EVERYTHING down; I mean EVERYTHING down so that I do not forget one single detail of my day! From prayer/Word time, meetings, blog posts, date nights, preschool activities, reminder to text /call someone, on down to learning how to meal plan, this planner has helped me so much because I have to be honest my memory is not the best anymore. Life has become so busy and I can have the best of intentions to complete one task before I am distracted and start on another, never finishing the first! It drives me nuts! Woooo saaaa!!

With all that being said I’m going to take the next 30 days to once again reevaluate my life and those things that mean the most to me. I have some decisions to make within this next year….Do I want to try again at having another baby? Do I want to finish the graduate certificate program? Do I want to accelerate within my career or be more fervent at praying to become a homemaker? Bottom line is that I want to be an all-around better Katesha, not for anyone else, but for me. I want to wake up in the mornings, look at myself in the mirror and truly be proud of the woman that I am and therefore hopefully continue to push forward to try to make an impact on someone else’s life. I am in no way perfect, will never proclaim to be, but there is nothing wrong with striving to do better, striving to be better….I am woman hear me roar!! I want to be a better Christian, a better wife, a better mother, a better daughter, sister, friend, a better Kingdom worker, a better employee, a better cook, a better blogger….

So let the countdown begin… #30Til33…in 5….4….3…2….

“She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future” Proverbs 31:25

#30Til33

“God is within her, she will not fall” Psalm 46:5

Peace & Blessings,

sig KT

Have you trusted?

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Have you made a change in your life this year? Have you trusted God enough to listen, step out, and let Him lead you? In this journey of life, we enter into different phases and chapters that can bring us sadness, hurt and pain, or bring us joy, fulfillment, and abundant blessings. We don’t walk alone in our journeys, and I’m not walking alone in mine. For those that have followed my journey over the past year know that loss and grief can be hard; but how God provides for us in such ways is always a gift. From my journey (start here), He protected and guided me through the rough times and has BIRTHED great things out of it. My blessing at the end of the storm is Baby Ford arriving August 2016!

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New Beginnings…

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Hello ladybugs! I pray that everyone’s weekend was fantabulous. I had a busy and overwhelming weekend, but nothing more than I could handle. With a new year comes new beginnings. As you ladies know, I’m a little over one year into the loss of my husband, navigating my way through the grieving process while handling estate affairs; so much in such a short time span. With so much to manage, at times I didn’t know if I was coming or going. I’m in a place now where I can make more concrete decisions, like to stay (temporarily) in my current city. Since making that choice, I’ve moved out!!!!!! Now, to many this may not be BIG NEWS, but to me it’s huge. For the first time since dating, engagement and marriage I’m alone. But don’t fret, I’m ok! It’s time to start life after death and make new memories.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

Joshua 1:19

So as I enter this new chapter in life, I will go knowing that I’m not alone. Though things are unfamiliar along this path, I won’t lose sight or be afraid of the unknown. Until next time…

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“In His Safety”

I extend my right arm high, attempting to adjust the air. Yes, as always I’m cold, but it is becoming a tad bit stifling in here. I am on the plane heading back to NC from NY where my childhood best friend got married and I just couldn’t miss it. I notice the other passengers around me becoming just as antsy as myself, we’ve been on this plane for an hour already waiting for clearance to take off. Finally we’re off in the air, the gentlemen beside me closes the window shade, I rest my head back and relax thinking back on the festivities of the wedding weekend. Typically, this is my time to sleep, in the past I couldn’t even stay awake for take off, but this time the excitement has me wide eyed. I hear the chime go off letting us know that we’re permitted to turn on our aircraft approved devices, so I reach for my kindle. Shortly after I find myself completely indulged in this new book I downloaded which I can’t seem to remember the title of right now. Suddenly, we start to experience a little turbulence, no big deal…..I have flown more than enough to where that doesn’t freak me out. I look toward the front of the plane to check on refreshments, I’m beyond thirsty and of course I had to throw away my bottle of water and refused to pay $4 for another. It should be about time we get some peanuts, pretzels, a soda or something. Turbulence again…………this time it lasted longer, the flight attendant is seated and buckled up, our seatbelt signs are back on. Even at this point I’m doing OKAY, it wasn’t until that God awful dip we took, that felt like the floor had been snatched away like on the tower of terror that shook me. At this time it seemed the plane had speed up and the plane was chaotic. The gentlemen beside me had opened the window shade to my left which preceded the screams of the other passengers because at this point our upper bodies hovered over our seat belts as it felt as though the plane was going down. I look around, look forward, looking for anything that says we are going to be okay to only find tears rolling down some faces, eyes clenched tight on others, hands grasps tight on the arm rest and the flight attendant buckled and on the phone. I hear my own pounding heartbeat racing along with my breaths. Is this really happening? I thought, I’m going to die, today right now, I began to pray and pled with the Lord to spare my life as well as the lives of those on this plane including the one that this accident was intended for. After what seemed like eternity the plane leveled out and the turbulence stopped. I continued to pray until we landed, no one ever came on the intercom to apologize or explain the experience. The flight attendant never picked up the phone to make an announcement to us, nothing was said. Once I felt the friction of the wheels hitting the landing strip, I was beyond relieve and GRATEFUL for an answered prayer. Many people missed their connecting flights, I battled with the decision to stay in Detroit and figure out how else to get home, or run clear across another building to get to my next departing terminal. Is this now playing Russian roulette with my life, I was sparred once, but now getting back on the plane was another story. So I called mom, how good it was to hear her voice as she prayed with me and calmed my spastic emotions over the phone through the airport as I ran to my next flight just as they were making the final call. This flight was bigger, brighter, no turbulence….and best of all I made it home. My nerves were still bad, but boy was I glad to be home, to see my family, touch my children, all of which was on the verge of being gone. Sunday, after this experience an old song was ministered and what as reminder it was straight from the Lord. This one is for you Saints, never forget it.

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Growing Pains…

Hey Girlfriends!!! I pray that you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday and were able to share it among loved ones!

Okay so today I’m having a mushy mommy moment! My baby is growing up toooooooooooooooooo fast!!! She has developed SO much since she started school and continues to shock me every day with new phrases and sentences. She is very observant and has quite a sharp memory! She can reenact everything from circle time at school to the flow of intercessory prayer during Sunday morning worship!! Lol! She is trip ya’ll and I love it!!! Nothing warms my heart more than when she randomly runs up to me, wraps those little arms around my neck, kisses me on the cheek and says “Mommy I just love you!” **insert tear**

I’m looking forward to continue to watch her grow and develop but can’t help but get sad when those Facebook memories pop up with all of her various baby pictures that I previously posted. Where has the time gone? She will be 4 in 4 months…did you hear me 4!!!! I don’t think I’m ready yet. I want her to stay this little forever, is that too much to ask for? Am I the only mommy that feels this way? I know I can be a little crazy sometimes, but come on now I know I am not alone!!! LOL!!!

I thank God for blessing me with the gift of motherhood and I wouldn’t trade it in for the world. The good days, bad days, and yes even the acceptance of these growing pains that Sweet Pea is developing into her own little person. Its tough to accept but I have to do it!

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And you know it wouldn’t be me if I didn’t flip the attention off myself and on to you Girlfriend! For those that have been blessed to be called Mother, treasure that title, pray for your children constantly and strive to be the best woman for the job! And for those ladies that have the desire to carry the title of mother one day, continue to present your petition to our Father. If it be His will I pray that your request be given to you in His timing!

Until next week…

Peace & Blessings,

sig KT

 

One Step Closer…

Happy Wednesday Girlfriends! I apologize in advance for my post being short in length today. My final major project for class is due this week and I have yet to start! Pray my strength!

I was going thru some of my old posts and ran across Moving Forward from March. As I read thru the post, it brought back so many memories and truly showed me how far my family has come just from the beginning of this year. We aren’t officially home owners yet, (somebody scream YET) but we are working hard and getting closer and closer to our goal. So I can stop right there and praise my Father just for that! Thank you Lord for being one stop closer!!! Hallelujah and Amen! The process has not been easy, but I do not expect it to be. Anything worth having in life you should have to work for. If it came easy you wouldn’t appreciate it as much, right?

As this year is quickly coming to an end, I challenge you to reflect back over 2015 and see how far you’ve come. Have you accomplished those goals you set in January? If not are you getting closer to them or have you just forgotten about them altogether? It’s not too late to pick them back up! Re-evaluate, come up with a strategy, start vision casting for 2016. Then activate your faith, put your trust in the Almighty Father, and know that if it is in His perfect will for your life, then it shall come to pass!

Then the Lord answered me and said, “Write the vision and engrave it plainly on [clay] tablets so that the one who reads it will run. ~Habakkuk 2:2 AMP

Peace & Blessings,

 sig KT

One Step Closer

Mr. & Mrs. Phillips, Future Homeowners

Be more Intentional

Singing: ‘cause He’s intentional, never failing… Wow! What an amazing feeling to know that your Heavenly Father is intentional and never failing! I don’t know about you, but this gives me “life.” It motivates and inspires me. I mean the Bible does say “as He is, so are we.” Well doesn’t that mean I’m intentional? And never failing (if I’m doing His will)?? I’m just overjoyed in knowing that ALL things are working for my good! Its just a constant reminder with all the things going on around me in this world, when that job didn’t come through, and that raise wasn’t approved, and the moment of there’s no heartbeat, that God is INTENTIONAL, and never failing. That those things weren’t for me at that time, but knowing still ALL things are working for my good. Its empowering me today (which happens to be Tuesday) to take on life with full intention. To have a purpose for choosing what to say, what to eat, who to associate with, how I treat my family & friends and NOT to just go along with day to day life with no realization of what’s taking place. There was a reason my office got changed, a reason my boss got switched, a reason I was late leaving home this morning… (you catch my drift) and even in all of those things, I know they were and are for my good, my benefit! Its human nature to ask why? and to want to know what lies ahead for us, but we must believe and stand on the promises of God and know He’s got it!

I’m sorry if I’m rambling on a tangent but that song has really opened my mind and my heart to simply accept what God has planned for me in His own time and in His own way. To stop thinking “I” (Superwoman) have it all under control and planned out, because truthfully if those plans aren’t aligned with His will, its simply not going to happen! It’s a weight lifted when you actually submit to His will and allow God to take control. Now for some this is an easy task, while for some of us stubborn (want to be in control) folks – and I did say “us,” so I’m speaking to myself, it takes for things to almost become unbearable before “we” give it over to Him.

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Okay let me figure out how to draw this to a close LOL. Remember that each day God awakens you, it’s a new opportunity to live your life with purpose and intention. Because somebody somewhere in this world didn’t wake up!

Alright that is all ladies. Again I apologize for the repetitive drawn out post just to get to that final point!

Have an INTENTIONAL weekend!

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